Episode 11 - The Desert Cats

[MADMarkyD93]

A Note From The Author II (Many)



Mark: How do you set this up?
Jamie: You’re the techie wiz of the group, surely you can manage it.
Mark: I hate having to do the recordin’ myself as well. Like I don’t have enough to do already!?
Jamie: Your fault you scared Quincy and Harry into not wantin’ to come in today to do this.
Mark: They shouldn’t have kept filmin’ us!
Jamie: Whatever.
Mark: Oh wait… The light’s been on all along… Cr*p.



Mark: Yes… Hello… Another header-note ‘fore the start of the episode.
Jamie: Wow, you’re sure enthusiastic ain’t ya’?
Mark: That’s because last week’s delay was to make things even better. ‘N’ though this week we’ve yet again extended and changed things, the delays were due to me being unable to avoid extra work, ‘n’ that just dragged the week on.
Jamie: It ain’t that bad.
Mark: Not for YOU! You had to do jack-sh*t! I’ve lost hours of work time this week, same goes for next!



Jamie: Erm… Mark… The audience.
Mark: Oh sorry…
Jamie: Yeah, I’m Jamie Pritchard. I play Miles “Hoff” Hoffman… “Hoff” being a name I never actually even get called ever.
Mark: What other good alias were you gonna’ think of?
Jamie: Quite. Anyway, we would like to address you folks at home again for a small matter.
Mark: I’ll take it from here Jamie…



Mark: We’ve had another delay this week… Not for basketball this time though. Same goes for next week… Y’know what Jamie? I’m too mad to keep goin’. You take over.



Jamie: Alright Mark, it’s alright. Basically folks, We’ve had a spot of bother with an old associate.
Mark: Don’t even call him an associate. The guy was always a tw*t.
Jamie: True. Anyway, the guy never even appeared on the show before he walked out after getting along so badly with some of the cast.
Mark: He means Nicky.
Jamie: ‘N’ well he thinks he’s entitled to some sort of recognition literally for just appearing on a promotional poster ‘n’… Well, that’s all he did.
Mark: So I’ve had to run up ‘n’ down UMC several times this week to deal with matters and such so we can prove that he gets nothin’ from us. Which he won’t. In the meantime, I’ve also had to spend more time cooped up in this office when repairs have been gettin’ made-water damage was quite extreme in the woodwork.
Jamie: Which is about 80% of what this place is made of. But how can you say “cooped”? This place is huge.
Mark: That’s not the point! It means I can’t get all the filming done when I normally have the most free time!
Jamie: I’m sure people will understand. It’s not like it can be avoided.
Mark: No. I would like to clarify to everyone that LITERALLY I can’t do anythin’ about it, bein’ serious.
Jamie: Bein’ serious… Somethin’ you never see here often.
Mark: You not wearin’ your sunglasses… Somethin’ ELSE you never see here often. Anyway, we’re sorry for the kafuffle for the next two weeks… An’ we’ll make Hutchinson sorry too!



Jamie: Where you goin’ now?
Mark: To kick Hutchinson’s arse!
Jamie: That’s not gonna’ make anythin’ better.
Mark: It will! It’ll make ME FEEL better just smackin’ that b*stard around!



Jamie: (Sigh) Fine then… Now, how do I turn this thing off?… Erm…


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Kings Of The Desert
Season: 01
Episode: 11
Written by: Mark Davison
Produced by: Moonstone Productions
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AGE RATING: 15+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE, SCENES CONTAINING BLOOD, SUGGESTIVE THEMES, REALLY BAD TASTE “GLASSIC” JOKE (NOT INCLUDING THE ONE THAT’S JUST BEEN SAID)
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(Ruffling sounds)
Meg: Are you awake honey?
Ant: Yeah…
Meg: Am I not cuddly enough or somethin’?
Ant: Oh no it isn’t that Megs. I’ve not long woke up.
Meg: Sleep well?



Ant: Next to you? Who wouldn’t?
Meg: Hehe, I’ll pretend I didn’t understand what you mean.
(Glass bottles ting together)
Meg: How much did we drink?
Ant: The whole lot, I think… You feelin’ alright?
Meg: Head feels a little fuzzy but not bad. How about you?
Ant: The same I guess. Stomach feels a little off too but no worries. Coulda’ been worse.
Meg: Heh yeah, I’d hate to think of what could’ve happened if we drank more.



(Sounds of someone being violently sick through the wall)
Tim: Urgh, my head’s killing… Are you ok Len!? Owww why am I shouting!? IT’S MAKING MY HEADACHE WORSE!!!… Urgh.



Leo: Timmy I think I’m dyin’, help me damn it! This was all YOUR fault!
Tim: MY fault!? … Ow… How’s it MY fault!?
Leo: YOU were the one who opened the liquor cabinet!
Tim: YOU were the one who brought them pills in here!
Leo: They was only Tic-Tocs!
Tim: They most certainly WERE NOT!!!… Ow!… I don’t know WHAT they were but they certainly shouldn’t have been eaten… Now for sands’ sake will you PLEASE… STOP… SHOUTING!?!?!? … OWWW!
Billie: (Sigh) It’s like five years ago all over again.



Eliza: What time is it?
Miles: … Twen’y to five.
Eliza: Morning or afternoon?… I can’t remember.
Miles: Morning. Are you seriously THAT tired?
Eliza: (Yawns heavily) … Yeah.
Miles: Shoulda’ got some sleep then, instead of stayin’ up all night thinkin’ up plans to find out who this “Kai” bloke is.
Eliza: Maybe… So how many plans have we got so far?
Miles: Erm, let’s see… Well, we have about… None.
Eliza: Oh.
Miles: Right, well I’M off for a power nap.



Eliza: Where are you going? You don’t have a bed, and the sofa is right here.
Miles: It’s a COUCH, my inexperienced little Cohnarite friend. And when I say I’m going for a power nap, I mean the Hoffman special of power naps.
Eliza: I’m NOT little! And so then where ARE you going?
Miles: The Wildboar. Could use a good drink right now. I don’t care how early it is, if a man’s gotta’ think, a nice brew is all he needs to get started.
Eliza: But The Wildboar doesn’t open until ten.
Miles: … Oh for the love of-!



Meg: An early mornin’ campfire… Really?
Ant: What’s the matter with it? Get ready for the sunrise, have some lovely breakfast, take in the fresh air, listen for the singing of birds that don’t exist here… And sober up.
Meg: Can’t argue with that.



Meg: … Y’know… Bein’ here, with you, the warmth from the fire, the early morning light, the perfect night we’ve had together… It’s certainly… Quite an atmosphere, isn’t it?
Ant: … Yeah, I think you’re right.



Meg: Of course… I SUPPOSE you could say it’s… pretty romantic. Don’t you think?
Ant: …
(Phone rings)



Ant: Hmm, that’ll be Chrissie.
Meg: (Sigh) Does she not trust you with me? She’s gotta’ call you at five in the mornin’?
Ant: Aww it ain’t that. She just loves me too much, she misses me easily.
Meg: How do you figure that?
Ant: … ‘Cause I’d do the same thing.



Max: I think that’s the first time I haven’t been rudely awoken by someone in a long time… Stupid people with their stupid antics.



Max: Accidentally left the door open last night?… Stupid town not needin’ no security.



Max: Pink painted walls… Stupid Mikey.



Max: … Stupid Mikey indeed.





Rico: Morning!
Sammy: Don’t shout Rico… Hurts my head.
Rico: Had a nasty fall last night huh?
Sammy: You could say that.
Rico: Well that’s what happens when you try to act cool and lean back on a rickety chair.
Sammy: Don’t lecture me, leave me to die in peace.
Rico: Ok, well I’ll leave your coffee for you on the table…



Rico: … All the way across the room, for some reason… I’ll move the table over.
Sammy: NO! The table DOES NOT move!
Rico: Alright, alright! Sheesh! I’ll leave the mug over there then.
Sammy: (Quietly murmurs) You’re a mug…



Rico: Dunno what’s so important about the position of a table anyway.



Sammy: Coffee, you’re mine!… Agh!
(Loud thump)



Rico: … Try to leap for the coffee?
Sammy: No… I tried to fly… It didn’t work though.
Rico: Want me to move the table over to you NOW?
Sammy: Yes please. The uh, the flying thing is a work in progress.
Rico: Of course Samson, you’ll master it one day soon.
Sammy: I thank you for your confidence in me Rico.
Rico: SOMEONE needs to… Spill your coffee?
Sammy: The burning from it is actually unbearable.
Rico: Want another one?
Sammy: No, let’s not risk it.



Mikey: Mmm the famous Mikey omelette! Yum-yum!
(Knock on the door)
Mikey: A visitor?… So early?… For ME? Oh, I feel so loved!



Mikey: Oh, hello Max!… (Sniff sniff) You still smell of smoke. Have you not showered?
Max: Yes, I have. But the kitchen is still a pile of ashes ‘n’ wreaks of it. ‘N’ whose fault was that???
Mikey: I’m sorry!
Max: Oh ‘n’ thanks for the pink living room.
Mikey: You’re welcome!
Max: I was jokin’.
Mikey: Oh right…
Max: Got any breakfast goin’?
Mikey: Uhm…
Max: May I remind you of burning my kitchen down so I can’t eat?
Mikey: SURE there is! Come on in!



Tim: Urgh… Urgh… Oh no… Leonard! Make way! I’m coming through!
(Footsteps running into the bathroom)
Leo: DUDE! What are ya’-
(Sounds of Tim being sick)
Leo: Ewww, that’s just HORRIBLE! What kind of SICK individual has THAT in their stomach!?
Tim: Give it a rest Leonard! We’re all like that!
Billie: I have to get out this house… NOW.



Billie: This is what happens when you leave them boys on their own I guess.



Kai: Mornin’.
Billie: Oh, good morning.
Kai: Nice day.
Billie: It always is in the earlier hours.
(Tim being sick)
Leo: Hey, I know what’ll cheer ya’ up, I got a joke for ya’… (Leo is violently sick)
Tim: Heh, that’s actually a pretty good joke. However, I do believe the punch line should’ve been- (Tim is immediately sick)
Leo: GROSS DUDE! Why’d ya’ have to do it on ME!? ERGH!
Billie: … OUTSIDE, it’s always a nice day anyway.
Kai: Yeah. Well, see ya’ around.



Billie: Who is that guy anyway?
(Hedges ruffle and sounds of whispering)
Billie: Huh?
Voice #1: (Whispers) Ssh! Keep quiet.
Voice #2: No, YOU keep quiet!
Billie: Ahem.



Billie: What?
Eliza: Oh!… Erm… Hello.
Miles: Good mornin’ Billie! ‘N’ how are you?
Billie: I’m ok… What are you doing lurking around in Tim’s shrubbery?
Miles: Nothin’.
Eliza: Yeah, nothing…
Billie: Oh, I get it.
Eliza: You do?
Miles: You do?
Billie: Sure. You’re not… the most OBVIOUS couple ever but, awww you look so cute together.



Miles: WHAT!? No! It isn’t like that at all!!!



Miles: And that’s why hiding in the hedges when following Kai is a STUPID idea!
Eliza: Why not? I don’t understand… It seemed like such a GOOD idea.
Miles: Hmmm, I suppose I should expect this from someone who hasn’t had-
Eliza: Stop it! Why do you have to keep mentioning that?… Oh, NOW I understand the whole hedge thing… (Cringes and shivers)
Miles: Oh yeah, you definitely ARE one aren’t you?
Eliza: One what?
Miles: One who hasn’t…
Eliza: I’ve told you I am.
Miles: No I mean, you’re a TYPICAL one. A typical female one anyway-who hates the thought of that kinda’ talk until she’s actually-
Eliza: Can we move on? I need to go for a walk-those hedges hurt my legs a bit.
Miles: Sure. Tailing Kai didn’t seem work anyway.
Eliza: Why not?
Miles: ‘Cause we’ve been talkin’ for ages ‘n’ we’ve already lost sight of ‘im.
Eliza: Darn… (Sigh) Maybe I will try to speak to him directly after all.
Miles: Really?
Eliza: But NOT in the way you’re thinking!…



Eliza: I wouldn’t want you to be jealous…
Miles: You’re never gonna’ let go of what I said are you?
Eliza: Same way you aren’t going to let go of what I said.



Meg: Packin’ up already? Why?
Ant: No reason. Just figure we oughta’ be back early.
Meg: … Ya’ wanna’ see Chrissie dontcha’?
Ant: More so than anythin’ else there.
Meg: … Was it ‘cause of somethin’ I said?
Ant: No Megs of course it ain’t… Why’d ya’ think that?
Meg: … No reason.
Ant: Besides, I wanna’ head back in to Emerald ‘fore we go home. Saw somethin’ there yesterday I said I had to get.
Meg: What?
Ant: … Just somethin’ for Chrissie.
Meg: Ya’ really love her…
Ant: Indeed I do.
Meg: …



Ant: Megs? What’s wrong?
Meg: … How are you two doin’ these days?
Ant: Pretty great actually. SO much better since she moved back in with me… Don’t know how I survived without her next to me at night.
Meg: You managed last night.
Ant: That was different-I was with YOU, my favouritest person in Alterra. But I just… It’s a necessity that at least 70% of the day involves havin’ her in my arms to cuddle.
Meg: So you’re REALLY great then…
Ant: Too right.
Meg: An’ everythin’ that was the matter before?
Ant: Is A-ok now.
Meg: Sure ‘bout that?
Ant: W… Well yeah. Sure.
Meg: Uh-huh. You don’t sound so sure.
Ant: Erm…



Meg: Sounds to ME like there’s some doubt there… As if things could be better?
Ant: … Well…
Meg: Or there could be someONE better?
Ant: … How ya’ mean?
Meg: Do ya’ ever feel… weak at any time? Like ya’ see someone an’ ya’ can’t help but want to throw yourself at ‘em?
Ant: … Not really.
Meg: C’mon, there’s gotta’ have been ONE time at least whilst ya’ been together that you’ve had a desire for someone else, even if it’s just physical.
Ant: Hmmm, I suppose…
Meg: Suppose what?
Ant: Well, there WAS that one time…
Meg: Yeah?
Ant: Where I couldn’t help but have a real burnin’ desire for someone…
Meg: Who was it?
Ant: Alannis Episcopa.
Meg: … Who?
Ant: She’s an Azarian model… Oh how I crave that girl sometimes. I have a few magazines that she modelled for in a small box under my bed at home… I mean-!… Huh? Who? I don’t have anythin’ like that.
Meg: Riiight ok… (Sad sigh) Is that all then?
Ant: Yeah!… I think.



Meg: Are you sure?
Ant: … Hmmm…
Meg: “Hmmm”?
Ant: … Well, if I’m completely honest with you…
Meg: Yeah?
Ant: … I don’t know if I should say…
Meg: Oh you can say Ant, c’mon, you can tell me anythin’.
Ant: Alright, I…
Meg: Honey?
Ant: … Think we should start headin’ back now.
Meg: Huh?



Ant: C’mon. Don’t ya’ wanna’ get back to see sweet lil’ Lizzie?
Meg: (Sigh) I’m not done here!



Ant: …
Meg: I wanna’ get this straight… ‘Cause I only care ‘bout you an’ no other an’ I don’t wanna’ hurt you or miss an opportunity to say somethin’.
Ant: Alright… Go on.
Meg: You an’ Chrissie… You aren’t as stable or invincible as you say are ya’?
Ant: Well, nothing’s perfect but-
Meg: You DO think you’re clingin’ on with only one hand don’t ya’? Feel like you’re slippin’ away from one another?
Ant: … Sometimes… Some days… We have our rough patches, same as everyone else.
Meg: You get yours quite a lot though.
Ant: Well, it’s-
Meg: Face it Ant, you can do so much better can’t ya’?
Ant: I hope not.
Meg: You say you mess up, then you say everything’s ok. But you an’ me both know that you’re not the one who messes up, it’s her. An’ everything isn’t ok, it hasn’t changed one bit since the day I met you. You know who’s REALLY right for you.
Ant: No one else for me but Chrissie… So I hope.
Meg: …
Ant: What?
Meg: Is that true? You sayin’ you don’t need anyone else?
Ant: That isn’t how I meant it hun, ‘course I need you too I just… Y’know what I mean.
Meg: Sure, right, ok.



Ant: Megs, look, I’m just sayin’-
Meg: Let’s just go home already.
Ant: Alright…



Daryl: Y’know, when I heard the door yesterday, I was thinkin’ it was one o’them goons after me again. I only nailed one ‘n’ the other got away in time so he was still walkin’. Put a nice shiner on ‘im though.
Voice: I expected no less from you Dare. I’m not saying you’re the violent sort, but you do what must be done.
Daryl: ‘N’ I don’t stop playin’ ‘till the score’s been settled… ‘N’ then some. But one tip though: the writing-a-mystery-message-on-a-newspaper? Terribly cheesy, ‘n’ been done thousands of times in the movies.
Voice: Sorry about that, I’ll be more creative next time.



Voice: You know any of the guys that have been after you?
Daryl: No. ‘N’ I wouldn’t recognise the ones that still are… Unless they’re comin’ at me with guns ‘n’ the intent to kill me.
Voice: You do know WHY they’re after you, right?
Daryl: Of course I do! I’m not bloody stupid y’know.
Voice: I know, I know. I’m only asking to make sure. It isn’t like I know what’s going on or anything… So what are you going to do next?
Daryl: Keep movin’ a bit longer, see if the trail runs cold. After that, go see Max I guess.
Voice: How is Maximillion anyway? Haven’t spoken to him in months.
Daryl: You’re the only person who ever called him Maximillion. You do know that right?
Voice: Oh yeah, he told me he always hated that name. But he threw exception to me.
Daryl: Special treatment eh? Always knew somethin’ went on with you two.
Voice: Funny. No, we were never like that. Well, I stopped calling him that name some time ago. I don’t think he’d let me call him that again now.
Daryl: … Well he seemed ok last I spoke to him, not that I had much time before I had to haul it outta’ where I was. You should try to go see him sometime. I gave you the directions didn’t I?
Voice: Yeah I have the directions… (Lots of papers ruffle) the many… MANY, not-at-all-hard-to-understand directions, yeah I have them. I don’t know though… I’ll think about it.
Daryl: You shoulda’ come with me. Especially if you were only here where I am yesterday, handing me this note of yours.
Voice: I left as fast as I could, afraid you would ask me that. I don’t think he’d want to see me, after what happened last time we spoke.
Daryl: Hey, he felt bad about it too. I’m sure he’s missing you. You were always the most important person to him.
Voice: I find that hard to believe… But I care about him still, I just don’t want to ruin his life any further than he already has himself.
Daryl: Nonsense! You get yourself down there soon and patch yourselves up, ok? You’ve clearly been lookin’ out for me, surely you can look out for Max. After all, I’m only his father. Which reminds me…



Daryl: Thanks for the gun by the way.
Voice: No problem.
Daryl: I’ll not bother to ask where or how you got it.
(Repetitive violent knocks on the door)
Daryl: That isn’t you, is it?
Voice: What?
Daryl: Just as I thought. Y’know, you’d think these guys would know better than to announce themselves at my front door. I gotta’ go, but keep in touch.
Voice: Will do. If you see Max… Tell him I’m sorry.



(Door smashes open)
Man: Cooper! I got ya’ now ya’ little fucker!



Daryl: Keep dreamin’ scumbag!



Man: Hey dude, ya’ goin’ so soon?
Daryl: Yeah, I’m outta’ here. You’d best keep back.
Man: Why?



(Gunshot)
Bystander: Yipes!
Daryl: Seriously buddy, get the hell outta’ here!
Bystander: Stuff that! I’m comin’ with ya’!
Daryl: What are you DOIN’?



Bystander: Don’t stop now!
Daryl: Car doesn’t have a windshield. Hope you don’t mind.
Bystander: It’s actually fairly cold.
Man: Aw man! I shoulda’ known better than to come alone… Next time Cooper, the window won’t be an option of an exit for ya’. A body bag will be your only choice.



(Knock on the door)
Mikey: MORE visitors!? OH MY, I AM THE POPULAREST TODAY!



Max: (Groans) It’s too early in the mornin’ for yelling.
Mikey: Oh. Hi there…



Mikey: Don’t worry, I don’t feel rejected at all. It’s for you Maxey.
Billie: Good morning.
Max: Billie!… Erm… Hi. Yeah, good morning to you too!… What are you doin’ here?
Billie: Well between Len and Tim being seriously ill and shouting at each other over last night… I needed to get out the house. Went by your place but you weren’t there, so this was my next guess… Nice pink living room by the way.
Mikey: Thank you! I did that!
Billie: Ah… Now I understand.
Mikey: What’s that meant to mean?
Billie: Nevermind Mikey… It’s… Nothing bad, I promise.
Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay!
Billie: I was hoping, Max, that you’d be ready for your Wasteland Introduction Part Two, though being a Sunday it’ll just be a small one?
Max: Sure thing. What ya’ have in mind?



Billie: I was surprised you’ve never been inside yet.
Max: Why’s that?
Billie: Well everyone hangs out in The Wildboar, it’s the best bar in town… In fact, it’s the only bar in town, but… It’s the best bar in the whole of the desert. And Ricky’s a really nice guy too.
Mikey: And he stocks all kinds of drink!… Although, I’m not allowed any.
Max: Why not? You’re eighteen.
Mikey: Yeah, but after last time, Ricky won’t let me touch a drop of it.
Max: What happened last time?



Mikey: (Singing out of tune) Was it a bird? Was it a plane? Doesn’t matter to me, I’m not ONE TO COMPLAIN! Out in the sun or stuck in the rain, I’m on my way to the IN-SANE TRAI-AIN!



Mikey: CHOO-CHOO… CHOO-CHOO… CHOO, CHOO… CHOO-CHOO!
Tim: He’s not gonna’ be ready for his race tomorrow against Antony’s new wingman.
Leo: Make it stop! Bloody hell for the love of all that is dusty please make it STOP!
Teddy: Ow… You’re not exactly helping either Leo!
Ricky: Haha, I actually find it quite amusing.



Mikey: Woke up forgettin’ what I left behind. Looked at the sky when I suddenly went BLIIIIIIIND! Then I felt myself taken to some place above. Locked in a madhouse, from those that I LOOOOOOVE! All the power I lost will regain. ‘Cause I’m on my way to the IN-SANE TRAI-AIN!



Mikey: CHOO, CHOO-CHOO-CHOO-CHOO! CHOO, CHOO-CHOO-CHOO… CHOO-CHOO-CHOO-CHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Leo: Oh I’m sorry Teddy, am I hurtin’ your bloody ears!?
Ralph: You’re tellin’ ME? The kid’s completely hammered. I hoped he’d be like our Megan-them young kids are normally supposed to be able to drink their body weight before feelin’ anythin’.
(Table falls over and glasses smash)
Ricky: That’s comin’ outta’ the security deposit for tonight Timothy.
Tim: What security deposit?
Ricky: … Ah damn! I keep forgettin’ to ask for it!



Mikey: ‘N’ so there I was strapped to the bed. Couldn’t escape ‘em, they’re IN MY HEAD! Need to try my plan instead, before they hunt me down ‘n’ FILL ME WITH LEAD!
(Another glass smashes)
Mikey: Woah! Sorry ‘bout that buddy… You alright? You look kinda’ smashed. Shouldn’t drink so much… Erm… Every step now has me scared, these things before I’d never have DARED. But then I failed ‘n’ no better I fared, I’m now in hell but NOBODY CARED!



Mikey: My killer turned out to be MY OLD FRIEND KAIN! He struck me down ‘n’ MADE ME FEEL PAIN!
Ant: I’m gettin’ outta’ here! I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE!
Mikey: He killed me off even THOUGH I’M THE MAIN! As I made my way to the IN-SANE TRAI-AIN! THE INSAAAAANE TRAAAAAAAAAIN! INSAAAAAAANE TRAAAAAAAAIN! INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
(Lots of tumbling, a smash and music suddenly cuts out)
Ricky: I wondered how long before he passed out.
Leo: Thank BLOODY sands that’s over!
Teddy: I suppose it couldn’t end with out a bang.
Billie: That must’ve hurt.
Tim: Richard, never bring out the karaoke machine ever again.



Ricky: Don’t worry, he ain’t touchin’ another drop of liquor as long as I’m runnin’ this joint either.



Mikey: So yeah… Soda for me.



Ricky: Ah Billie! Nice to see you! And… Mikey.
Mikey: Hiya!
Ricky: Yeah, we’ll see…
Billie: Hi Richard, hope you’re keeping well.
Ricky: Yeah, all’s good. Who’s your friend?
Billie: Oh, this is Max.
Max: Hey there.
Ricky: Fresh out the hourglass?
Billie: He’s been here about two months now, but he’s never been in here. We’re giving him The Wasteland One-Oh-One.
Ricky: I see, well welcome anyhow.



Billie: Elizabeth! Miles!
Miles: Ssh!
Eliza: What?
Miles: Don’t tell them anythin’.
Billie: What’s going on?
Eliza: I’m trying to find out who that Kai person is. I think I know him from somewhere.
Miles: W-!? Did you NOT just hear what I said!?
Eliza: You take this detective stuff too seriously. You should do it professionally.
Miles: …
Eliza: … What?
Miles: … Do you guys know that Elza here hasn’t ever had-
Eliza: HEY!
Max: Oh yeah we all know.
Eliza: What!?
Max: It’s pretty obvious that you haven’t.
Eliza: … (Sulks)
Billie: He does seem suspicious… Well good luck.
Miles: She needs it. She’s going to speak to him directly and more than just a quick drink in the bar.
Eliza: I’ll hate you forever for this.
Miles: I have many enemies.



Miles: Speaking of whom…
Kai: Liz! There ya’ are. Ready?
Eliza: (Nervously nods)



Miles: Have fun Elza!
Eliza: You’re losing a hand for this Miles.
Miles: If you aren’t careful around strange guys, you might even lose your…



Miles: … I didn’t have the heart to say it aloud. Sit down guys, please.
Mikey: Thank you!
Miles: Oh, I didn’t realise you were here too… Nevermind.



Tim: Ow, this hurts badly.
Leo: Well it’s dark in here, you’ll be alright.



Billie: Len! Tim! What are you doing here? You should be resting.
Leo: What better cure for hangovers then to get drunk again an’ stay that way forever?
Tim: I love this man-his philosophy is flawless.
Leo: No, I hate your guts Walker, that hasn’t changed. But you’re fun to piss around with.
Tim: Mutual feelings right here, Leonard.
Miles: What’s with the shades?
Leo: What’s with YOUR shades?
Miles: Style.
Tim: Well ours is to protect our eyes.
Leo: It’s like staring right into the bloody sun at the moment. Mind if we sit down?
Max: Erm…
Tim: Oh, there aren’t enough seats around that table.
Max: Phew…
Tim: Billie! Come join us over by the pool table.
Billie: Oh, erm…
Mikey: Sure!
Tim: Not you.
Mikey: Awwwrrr.



Max: That lasted long then.
Miles: ‘N’ then there were three… Sorry Max, about Billie. I’m assumin’ you’re still into her.
Max: You could say that. I think this is the smallest group I’ve ever been in though. Should be peaceful.
Mikey: Yeah!
Max: … Actually, I spoke too soon.



Ant: Maxey! Hoffman!… Mikey.
Mikey: Hello!
Ant: Yeah, we’ll see…
Max: DEFINITELY spoke too soon.



Ant: Mind if I sit down?
Max: You already are.
Ant: Thanks Max.
Max: Where’s Meg?
Ant: Dropped her off home. Seemed pissed at me for some reason.



Ant: Richie! The usual for me please!
Ricky: Sure thing Tony.
Ant: Where’s Cindy today?
Ricky: Oh she’s off today. She’s been askin’ after you though.
Ant: Oh, has she? I’ll have to stop in when she’s next on shift.



Ant: (Quietly) I hate the name Tony.
Ricky: (Quietly) I hate the name Richie.
Miles: Fancy a game fellas?
Ant: Boy, do I!
Mikey: I can’t play.
Miles: Too bad. Max?
Max: Yeah, alright.



Max: So what’s up with Meg?
Ant: Hard to say. Fine one minute, not very talkative the next. Barely spoke to me since we left the campsite.
Max: Awww I hope you two don’t break up, I hate to see Alterra’s most famous couple go down the drain.
Ant: Give it a rest Max, it’s way too old now.
Miles: Seriously, even I don’t believe that there’s nothin’ to you two.
Ant: Since when have you been a P.I.?
Miles: You’d be surprised.
Max: Alright then, let’s play a little game…
Ant: We are-it’s called Poker.
Max: No, no, a Q&A game.
Ant: Alright… Go on.
Mikey: ROYAL FLUSH! YES!!!
Miles: … Mikey, your highest card is a six, none of them are in the same suit and… You only have four cards as well.
Mikey: Awwwrrr man I need practice. Bear with me, guys.
Ant: … Continue Max.



Max: What’s Meg’s full name?
Ant: Megan Angela Wheatfield Jr.
Max: Her birthday?
Ant: January 16th, 1978.
Max: Where’d she grow up?
Ant: Small town called Autumn Falls, few hundred miles west of Archades.
Max: Eye colour?
Ant: Light blue.
Max: Natural hair colour?
Ant: Blonde, but she sometimes wishes she was ginger.
Miles: Why?
Ant: ‘Cause a ginger girl is always either really hot or really not, but never in-between. Meg would certainly be the better end of the ginger-snap spectrum.
Max: How tall is she?
Ant: Five foot five.
Max: Favourite band?
Ant: The Orions.
Max: Favourite colour?
Ant: Electric pink.
Max: Brothers or sisters?
Ant: Three older brothers, one little sister.
Max: Childhood dream?
Ant: Be a lead singer in her own rock ‘n’ roll band.
Max: Biggest fear?
Ant: Spiders.
Max: Shoe size?
Ant: Four.
Max: Allergies or health conditions?
Ant: Insomnia, Claustrophobia, Abandoned-Puppy-Syndrome, can get a mild skin rash from a rare type of flower that is only known to grow in Dunderdale… And not that it’s medical or anything, but she’s ambidextrous.
Max: Little known fact?
Ant: Used to invite me into her house whilst she was gettin’ changed, conveniently.
Everyone: …
Ant: … What was the point of all this?



Max: Now the same for Chrissie. Full name?
Ant: Christine Holly Hart.
Max: Birthday?
Ant: April 15th, 1977.
Max: Where’d she grow up?
Ant: With me, dumbass. Mahru desert beforehand.
Max: Eye colour?
Ant: Brown.
Max: Natural hair colour?
Ant: Also brown.
Max: How tall?
Ant: Five foot seven.
Max: Favourite band?
Ant: Her favourite ARTIST is Kalevic.
Max: Favourite colour?
Ant: Purpley blue.
Max: Brothers or sisters?
Ant: None.
Max: Biggest fear?
Ant: Being alone at night.
Max: Shoe size?
Ant: Five.
Max: Allergies or health conditions?
Ant: Hay fever.
Max: Childhood dream?
Ant: …
Max: You don’t know?
Ant: … (Looks down in shame) No…
Max: My theory has been proven then.
Ant: What theory?
Max: You know more about Meg than Chrissie… Clearly you love Meg more.
Miles: Man’s got a point-guys never listen to a woman otherwise.
Ant: … You’re wrong, Max.
(Awkward silence)
Miles: I’m gonna’ get another drink. Mikey, come help.
Mikey: Oh, I’m not allowed by the bar.
Miles: Just get the hell over there, NOW.



Ant: What the hell ya’ playin’ at Max?
Max: Be honest with me buddy… Have you at least ever thought about Meg in that way?
Ant: … Yeah.
Max: Really?
Ant: Well, who hasn’t? I haven’t done anythin’ wrong-I would never cheat on Chrissie. It’s just in my head.
Max: I understand.
Ant: Don’t be sarcastic with me.
Max: I’m not, honest.
Ant: Well now I feel bad ‘bout what I gone ‘n’ said, thanks for that. I’m gonna’ go see Chrissie, as much as I’m now afraid to face her.




Kim: Ant! You ain’t thinkin’ o’leavin’ are ya’?
Ant: Afraid so Kimmy, somethin’ I gotta’ make myself feel better ‘bout.
Kim: Well hey, I ain’t seen ya’ in so long. I’m wantin’ to have a catch up ya’ know, right? Give me a bell sometime to arrange a hang together, an’ PROMISE me that!
Ant: Sure I promise hun. You’re right, it’s been a while. I gotta’ run though. Now you keep out of trouble, y’hear?
Kim: Hehe, I can’t promise anythin’. At least not when you’re around.



Kim: Oh, an’ Timmy told me what ya’ said ‘bout me a couple weeks ago… The offer’s there whenever you’re interested.
Ant: Heh… heh… Right, I’ll see ya’ later.



Ali: Some bastard got ‘im spooked.
Hay-Hay: What you thinkin’?
Kim: I’ll make the tosser responsible pay.



Tammy: Hey there Mikey.
Mikey: Tammy… (Goes red) Hey there… How you hangin’?
Tammy: Oh I’m hangin’ good, Mikey, really good.
Mikey: Yeah… You sure are.
Tammy: How are you hangin’?
Mikey: (Incomprehensible squeak) I gotta’ go!



Ali: Hmph. Why do you care about that coward?
Tammy: He’s sweet. Stupidly moronic but… Sweet.



Tim: Oh please no, don’t come over here, please.
Kim: Oh… It’s YOU Timmy.
Tim: Don’t call me that, Kimmy!
Kim: Don’t call me that, Timmy! Only The Desert Cats get to call me Kimmy!
Tim: And Ant.
Kim: Yes! And Ant! And Mikey too if I’m feelin’ generous. Just shut your trap you snobbish bastard!
Leo: I’ve always admired that girl’s character, she shares my views on you Timothy.
Tim: Likewise Len.
Kim: You both shut the hell up an’ quit yappin’! C’mon Desert Cats, let’s-… Erm… Desert Cats?



Stace: Who’s that?
Max: Who’s THAT?
Hay-Hay: Who’s that?



Max: Who’s that Miles?
Miles: Hm? Oh, The Desert Cats.
Max: The… Desert Cats?
Miles: Better known as simply “The Cats”. Second main faction in the region. Main rival to the Kings Of The Desert. Very few Desert Kings get on well with ‘em.
Max: What do you know ‘bout ‘em?
Miles: Nothin’ personally. But I keep my ear to the sands. There’s almost the same amount of them as there are of us, but they’re very ferocious competitive drivers, all female. They compete here with us Desert Kings and the other factions around, but their “turf” is about twenty miles northwest of here in a town called Carmine Sands. Rumours say though it was a guy who founded them, but the mass interest appealed to girls.
Max: Maybe because they’re called The Desert Cats.
Miles: That wasn’t the original name. They’ve only gone by that name for the past five years, when the first female leader took over. They’ve been around since ‘85 or ‘86, few years after the Kings Of The Desert, used to go by the name Dust Hogs... Yeah, I prefer The Desert Cats.
Max: Don’t suppose you know any of the members?
Miles: The ones standing before us?…



Miles: We got Alicia “Ali” Petersburg. Rough around the edges, don’t care about much but herself and her crew. She’s a class-B bitch, not good enough for class A just yet. Some say she’s emo, others say she’s just depressed, others say she’s just a bitch. Very few people think she’s just a hurt little girl at heart hiding a sad past. She’s a junior member, drives an Amazon mk2.



Miles: Stacey “Stace” Shipper. Not always the talkative kind, speaks her mind but keeps it plain and simple. Nice enough if you can get through to her but, she can be a bit on the bossy side. She’s up in the rank above us, drives a Marin Turbo.



Miles: Tamara “Tammy” Winters. My personal pick of the bunch, if I’m honest. She’s actually pretty nice, but the crowd she hangs with kinda’ corrupts her just a little. Probably the friendliest of them all. You find a Desert King that’s friends with a Desert Cat? Chances are they’re talkin’ about Tammy. She’s the “nerd” of The Desert Cats, though they prefer the term “brains”. She’s in our rank too, drives a Rethan.



Miles: Heather “Hay-Hay” Green. She’s not too bad, a cross between Tammy and Stace-bittersweet kind of person. I suppose she isn’t bad, not much can anger her… Oh but I’ve heard she can have the textbook Desert Cat flair in her when she does. She’s in the next rank with Stace, drives a Rosalie Vitesse.



Miles: Finally we have, as I’m sure you know, Kimberly “Kim” Walker. Tim’s sister, whom she doesn’t get along with, as I’m also sure you know. Very few people outside of The Desert Cats are ever in her good books. She’s a marmite person I guess-love her or hate her, it’s up to you. But she’ll more likely be less fond of you, no matter what, ‘less you’re lucky that is. She’s in the next rank and drives a Rosalie TS. She’s also the current leader of The Desert Cats, albeit only since about eight months ago, though she joined the group at seventeen, which was three year ago.
Max: Are all the Desert Cats in the bottom two ranks?
Miles: Oh no. But since they are a separate organisation, they don’t have to follow the standard regulations to us. They still have to earn their place to get higher, but they can relegate whenever they want. They tend to prefer the hatchback classes, as they claim there’s no one worthy of racing further up the ladder.
Max: How do you know so much ‘bout ‘em?
Miles: Let’s just say… I have my sources.
Max: Are you ever gonna’ answer anyone’s question with a half-decent answer?
Miles: Heads up.



Kim: S’up.
Ali: Yo.
Hay-Hay: Hi.
Stace: Howdy.
Tammy: Hey there.
Miles: Ladies.
Max: So you’re Tim’s sister huh?
Kim: That’s me.
Max: Hmmm… Mmm…
Miles: Dude!
Max: Sorry.
Kim: Yeah, ya’ better be.
Max: I’m sorry?
Kim: Don’t think ‘bout it for one second sunshine, I ain’t taken to blend with the likes of YOU that way, dig?
Ali: Yeah, don’t mess with The Desert Cats ‘less ya’ wanna’ get dusted pal.
Stace: Totally.
Hay-Hay: Better not forget that. Smell the roses, you get thorned.
Max: “Smell the roses”?
Tammy: You get thorned.
Max: Riiight… Ok then.
Ali: Keep it in line buddy.
Max: So you know Ant then?
Kim: Aye. We all do.
Max: Wow, you learnt Denevian-speak from ‘im too.
Kim: Y’know why he’s actin’ out?
Max: I have an idea.
Kim: Ya’ better cough it up then if ya’ know what’s good for ya’.
Max: You’re a bit on the short side to make threats, sweetheart.
Miles: I’m gonna’ go before we get a moron and midget wrestling match startin’.




Max: You didn’t go far.
Miles: I still want to WATCH, just don’t wanna’ be in the crossfire. Besides, I’m waitin’ for someone.
Max: Who?
Miles: A lead. Have my own plans to find out about this “Kai”.
Stace: Oh so you know Kai too?
Max: Not really.
Miles: We’re lookin’ into him.
Stace: Hear that girls?



Ali: What ya’ know of ‘im?
Miles: Not really anythin’.



Ali: Tell me before I kick your ass punk.
Miles: Pff! Ha! What ya’ gonna’ do baby? Just try it. I dare ya’.



Miles: That’s what I thought.
Ali: You’re cool, buddy, you’re cool. But I reckon you ain’t so impressive beyond the talk.
Miles: You’re welcome to find out for yourself honey.
Ali: Don’t kick up the sand when ya’ don’t know what’s underneath.
Miles: Ahem… If you’re offering to show me what’s underneath, I’d be very… VERY interested to find out.
Ali: Urgh, you’re a creep.



Miles: I’m just a man.
Ali: Same thing.



Kim: What’s wrong with Ant?
Max: Meg.
Kim: Oh, that slut.
Max: Nice. Another Meg hater, there seems to be a lot of them.
Kim: She’s just a whore who wants him so badly.
Max: And you?
Kim: I’m not actin’ desperate though, I know the rules an’ I play by ‘em.
Max: That’s ironic comin’ from a rebellious little girl like yourself.
Kim: Screw you pal, I don’t even know who the hell you are, but I don’t care enough to know right now. We’re gonna’ jet… You find out ‘bout Kai, you tell us right away, y’hear?
Max: What do YOU want with him?
Kim: That’s for us to know an’ for you to keep your nosey snout out, mister. C’mon Desert Cats, we’re outta’ here!




Max: …
Miles: What?
Max: First time I heard ya’ flirtin’.
Miles: Pff, that ain’t flirtin’ Max. I can’t be tossed with chicks these days. If they ain’t annoyin’, they’re useless… ‘N’ THAT makes ‘em annoyin’.
Max: Ok…



Mikey: Sorry about that guys… They gone?
Miles: What was wrong with you?
Mikey: … Nothing.
Max: That Tammy lass?
Mikey: (Gulps)
Miles: Mikey’s in love too? Now I’ve seen everythin’.



Chrissie: Ant!
Ant: Chrissie…
Chrissie: Aw I’ve missed you SO much!
Ant: Me too Chrissie…
Chrissie: I hope you didn’t mind me calling you so early this morning.
Ant: No, it’s ok. Your beautiful voice is all I need in the mornin’ to get me goin’.
Chrissie: Awww.



Chrissie: Erm… Where’s Meg?
Ant: Like you care?
Chrissie: Fine.
Ant: I’m sorry Muffin, I didn’t mean to sound… She’s at home.
Chrissie: Oh. Lovely.
Ant: I’m not expectin’ to be a welcome sight in her eyes anytime soon.
Chrissie: Why not?
Ant: I like how now’s the only time you’re interested… I don’t really know, but I’m not up for talkin’ ‘bout it…
Chrissie: You ok sweetie? You seem a bit down.
Ant: Don’t worry about me… But I got you somethin’.
Chrissie: Really? What is it?



Chrissie: Awww I love it! It’s exactly like the one I lost.
Ant: Yeah, I know. Thought it would cheer you up.



Chrissie: Awww Ant you are SO sweet! I love you.
Ant: I love you too Cookie… More than anyone.



Ant: No one else for me but Chrissie… So I hope…



Billie: Ok, boys. You can open your eyes now.
Tim: Wish it were proper night time darkness right now. My eyes are still adjusting to the outside world.
Leo: I tell ya’, I ain’t never goin’ outside again!
Tim: Would do you good. That means I wouldn’t have to be stuck with you during the day.
Leo: I should be so lucky.



Tim: That was the worst hangover ever.
Leo: I ain’t never drinkin’ again!
Billie: Good boy. Now, I’m going to go have an early bubble bath.



Tim: So, what shall we do now?
Leo: … Let’s break open the liquor cabinet again!
Tim: Rightio! I bet you I can out-drink you this time though.
Leo: Wanna’ bet?
Tim: You bet your ASS I do!
Leo: Alright then bitch, BRING IT ON!



Billie: Boys never learn.
Leo: Hey, want some Tic-Tocs?
Tim: NO!
Leo: Hm, be that way.



Missy: Well, well, look who’s up.
Rico: Rise and shine, Samson.
Sammy: Surprise! Guess who’s back?
Missy: Whatever. Shall we continue with what Eddie told us?
Sammy: You’re no fun Missy!
Missy: I’ve been blackmailed into a porno, Sammy… It’s NEVER fun.
Rico: Not unless you’re the one watching it.



Sammy: HAHAHA!
Missy: WHAT!?
Sammy: Actually, this IS kinda’ fun.
Missy: It’s NOT fun!
Rico: This is Sammy-it’s ALWAYS fun!
Missy: Screw the both of you. Let’s just get on with it.
Sammy: Where’s Eddie?
Rico: Officer Eddie or Suspect Eddie?
Sammy: Officer of course.
Rico: I don’t know…
Sammy: OH NO do you think he’s a traitor!?
Rico and Missy: …



Sammy: I’m gonna’ find out!
Missy: SAMSON!!!



Sammy: …
Missy: Stop making a drama out of every little detail and focus on what matters.
Sammy: And what matters?Missy: ME!
Sammy: Ha! YOU don’t matter! I matter!
Rico: Sigfrids matter!
Sammy: Woah Rico, don’t get too carried away. Jeez, you’re too excitable these days. You should really calm down.



Rico: … You really went out with him?
Missy: Can you believe it?
Rico: No, Sammy isn’t one to pick up prostitutes.
Missy: Oh bugger off!
Rico: Actually, Sammy isn’t one to pick up ANY kind of woman…



Miles: So, you finally showed. Couldn’t be on time quickly enough to actually show up at The Wildboar?
Voice: I’m sorry, I was out of town.
Miles: Doin’ what?
Voice: Never you mind. It was just important business, end of.



Miles: I thought I was the secretive one ‘round here.
Ralph: You have a reason to be though. Don’t forget that I know what it is too, before you think about prying into mine.
Miles: … Nice shiner. Where’d ya’ get that?
Ralph: Got in a fight the other day.
Miles: Looks recent. Who were you fightin’?
Ralph: As I said, never you mind. Look, tell me what you need.
Miles: I wanna’ know this Kai fella’ is.
Ralph: What makes you think I know?
Miles: ‘Cause you’re in charge of the Kings Of The Desert, you handle the applications of every single driver, and you keep all the forms. The forms which contain lots of info on everyone.
Ralph: PRIVATE information, yes.
Miles: Might I remind you who I am? Why I’m here?
Ralph: Pff, screw you.
Miles: Now, now. Be nice.
Ralph: I don’t gotta’ be nice to YOU. It ain’t a crime if I ain’t. I can just as easily go blow your cover.
Miles: I could get you done for interference. ‘N’ I’m not necessarily talkin’ about the cops either.
Ralph: You don’t look like the dirty kind to me.
Miles: I have my contacts.
Ralph: Fine! I’ll show ya’ the book.



Miles: “Kai”… “Kai”… Here it is… So this is our man?
Ralph: ‘The hell do you think?
Miles: Never heard of him before… But maybe it rings a bell with Elza.



Miles: Thanks for the help Ralphie. Oh, ‘n’ if I were you, I’d get that shiner sorted out. Looks like ya’ been sucker-punched.
Ralph: Don’t worry. When I get the guy who did it, he’s dead.



Max: I’ve waited long enough for answers… I want to know what the hell’s goin’ on with you… NOW.
Daryl: I can’t right now kiddo, I told you-I’m a little preoccupied.
Max: Don’t give me that shit dad!
Daryl: Watch your mouth with me sonny.
Max: Fuck you dad! I don’t give a damn right now, I just want to know the truth so help me if you don’t tell me I’m gonna’-
Daryl: You gonna’ do what?
Max: …
Daryl: Exactly. Look, shut up ‘n’ be reasonable, ok?
Max: Be reasonable!? You’re the one who’s bein’ so fuckin’ UNreasonable!
Daryl: … Look, Max, I-
Max: Save it, I’m not interested. I don’t even care if you come down here anymore, I just wanna’ know where ya’ been. After that, you can go to hell for all I care.
Daryl: Max…
Max: WHAT!?
(Door breaks open)
Daryl: I’m sorry.
(Gunshot… Then the phone goes dead)
Max: Dad?… Dad!?



Max: Dad…



Max: I’m sorry too…



Voice: If you see Max… Tell him I’m sorry.