Episode 13 - The Mysterious Stranger

[MADMarkyD93]

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Kings Of The Desert
Season: 01
Episode: 13
Written by: Mark Davison
Produced by: Moonstone Productions
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AGE RATING: 15+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE, STRONG VIOLENCE, EXCESSIVE UNNECESSARY FIRE
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Nicky: I’m not happy! I’m just not happy! Ok, so everyone got a tiny appearance last week at the least. Even Mark himself only had two lines of dialogue ‘n’ his only scene was him ‘n’ Chrissie makin’ out… Ok, true, he was still makin’ out… But that’s not the point! Everyone got a small part BUT ME! WHY!? Am I… not loved by people anymore?



Nicky: I’m speakin’ my mind!
Mark: Yello?
Nicky: …
Mark: … Nicky, I can only assume this is you. You like to speak your mind but you don’t have one, hence the silences all the time over the phone when you have a problem. What’s up?
Nicky: You know what’s up! I’m not happy with my part in the last episode!
Mark: You didn’t have a part last week.
Nicky: Exactly!
Mark: Since when have you cared? You make a memorable performance when you DO appear. It ain’t like you’re gonna’ be forgotten.
Harry: Hey, hey, hey! Knock it off you guys! We’re supposed to be filming here!
Nicky: Harry says we’re supposed to be filming now.
Mark: Tell Townshend to shut the hell up! I’M the one who decides when we start filming!
Harry: I… Already have.
Nicky: He says he already has.
Mark: That little fu-!



Mikey: Alright!… Erm, what am I supposed to do again?
(Knock at the door)
Mikey: Oh right! Of course!



Mikey: (Singing tunelessly) He said his need to adapt my car was dire, but it went all awry ‘n’ it set everythin’ on fire. He told me I had done it wrong, but then tells me he knew I would all along.



Mikey: Hiya! Oh, it’s you Tim… -othy… Mr Walker.
Tim: Hello.
Mikey: What do you want? Thought you got rid of me.
Tim: I’m bored. Not having anyone to coach is dull, even if it IS you. I have a gift for you, but you mustn’t tell anyone what it is, where you got it, or who you got it from, got it?
Mikey: Oh goody! I LOVE gifts! I feel so-!
Tim: Yeah, you feel loved, we get it. You say that all the time, cut it out. Come with me.



Tim: What I have to offer you is something important, high-tech, and advanced.
Mikey: Oh joy!
Tim: You think you can handle something like that?
Mikey: You can COUNT ON me!
Tim: Yeah, we’ll see.



Tim: Hope you don’t mind I’ve already had it fitted to the Oleg.
Mikey: You’ve modded my Hunka? But it doesn’t look any different. And it shouldn’t be changed! We aren’t in the modified league yet!
Tim: No one needs to know. And for the love of the sands Michael, has Antony and company not taught you yet that it’s a YOMOSHOTO!?
Mikey: Oh! Right! Yes! Yomoshoto! I remember now!
Tim: (Sigh) Without any further hassle, let me explain what we have here before us…





Eliza: (Sigh) Slept a little better last night I suppose. Still so much I can’t figure out though. Kai, mum and dad… Miles. Miles has been a pretty good listener lately… Because he doesn’t say anything. I’ve asked him so many questions about himself and he’s not told me anything, and I’ve told him everything. What’s he got to hide? What’s his problem?



Daryl: I’ll be there shortly Kiddo.
Max: You said that the last time… ‘N’ the time before that… ‘N’ the time before the time before that.
Daryl: Change the bloody record Max, please? Soundin’ just like your mother.
Max: Deidre is NOT my mother!
Daryl: I know, I know! Sorry… You’re just like Deidre then.
Max: Cheeky little-
Daryl: Haha naw I’m just messin’ son. You’re definitely more your mother than me though, and I don’t mean Deidre this time. Only, I don’t know WHERE you got your brains from.
Max: Got ‘em from Yoko.
Daryl: Where did you lose them then? You’re as thick as a dusty old barn door.
Max: Ya’ mouthy sod.
Daryl: Heh, relax. I think you should get back in touch with Yokes though. You two were always a good pair, did each other well, y’know?
Max: Was that a euphemism?
Daryl: ‘The hell are ya’ talkin’ ‘bout?
Max: Oh, sorry. Forgot that you don’t know Ant.
Daryl: Who?
Max: Forget it.
Daryl: I better go, my passenger is gettin’ hungry.
Max: Who?
Daryl: Forget it. Oh, I nearly forgot: while we’re on the subject, guess who’s been after you?
Max: Who?
(Phone goes dead)
Max: Dad? Dad!?… Shit, lousy phone connections in this town. It ain’t that ya’ can’t get through to a phone further than sixteen miles from the town, it’s just that’s where it’s a certainty to get through.



Man #1: I told you Mr Cooper-five minutes was your maximum call time. Ya’ coulda’ called for help, sent a coded message to a brother-in-arms but oh no you call your son to check up on him.
(Several people laugh)
Daryl: I don’t need any help. Just wanted to know how my son was doin’, that’s all.



Bystander: Shit buddy! Are you insane!? How the hell we’s expectin’ to get outta’ this jam now!?
Daryl: Calm down.
Bystander: Calm down!? CALM DOWN!? You told me you knew what ya’ was doin’! NOW look at what happened!
Daryl: Shut it!… Where’s the ginger ninja?
(Gunmen laugh)
Man #1: He had to leave. He has business to do back home every other afternoon.
Man #2: Ginger ninja? Haha! That’s pretty rich that. Should tell him that when he comes back.
Man #3: Don’t give him the chance. We oughta’ blow this sucker’s brains out whilst we have ‘im here. It’s taken a hell of a long time to get him like this.
Man #1: I’m not gonna’.



Daryl: Max… Ryan…



Daryl: Deidre.
Man #1: Got somethin’ to say before I pop one in ya’?
Daryl: … Sorry Cammie, I’m not ready to see you again just yet.
Man #1: What the hell you blabberin’ on about? Want me to cap ya’ quick ‘n’ painless?



Daryl: Was that a euphemism?
Man #1: Huh?



Man #1: Ah fuck!
Daryl: Drop your guns fellas. ‘Less you want me to put two in this chap’s skull and empty the mag into the rest of this sorry crowd in front of me.
Everyone: …
Daryl: I was referring to you lot by the way.
Bystander: Hell yeah buddy! You go!
Man #2: Piece of shit.
Man #3: You ain’t gonna’ get away with this Cooper!
Daryl: Keep ya’ trap shut before I shut it for ya’.



Daryl: What the-?
Bystander: What’s the deal, bro?
Man #1: Guys! Look out!



(Loud bang)
Man #3: Shiiiiit!
Man #2: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Heeeeeelp!
Daryl: Aw damn it.



Daryl: So the mysterious stranger strikes again.
Man #1: Who the fuck was that!?



Daryl: I thought he was with you lot. I can see now there’s at least a third party at play here.



Daryl: You ok friend?
Man #1: I ain’t your friend, you bastard.
Daryl: Was I talkin’ to you? Naw, I don’t think so.
Bystander: I’m fine, I’m fine. But OH NO how are we gonna’ get outta’ this mess?
Daryl: What do we always do first, buddy?
Bystander: Erm…



(Gunshot)
Daryl: That.



Man #3: None of us are leavin’ this house alive. I’ll make damn well sure of that.
(Gun clicks-empty)
Man #3: …
Daryl and Bystander: …
Man #3: Erm, don’t move!
Daryl: Of course.
Man #3: Now HOLD ON a minute! I think we have a misunderstandin’ here!



(Gunshot)
Daryl: To say the least.



Bystander: What we gonna’ do NOW!?
Daryl: What do we always do once we’ve cleaned out the room?



Daryl: You’re gettin’ better at that, I see.
Bystander: When was the last time we left a buildin’ via a door ‘n’ not a window?
Daryl: I lost track. C’mon, let’s get outta’ here. I’m yet to figure if that mystery guy followin’ us is on our side or not.



Daryl: By the way, I shoulda’ told you earlier-I lied to my friend on the phone the other day. I DON’T know why these guys’ve been chasin’ me. But I’ll find out soon.
Bystander: That’s all fine ‘n’ dandy but can we please get a new set of wheels? It’s too cold in that car now there’s no windshield.
Daryl: I’ll change vehicles when it stops runnin’. Otherwise, it’s just gonna’ slow us down lookin’ around.
Bystander: By the way, who’s Cammie?
Daryl: … It’s a long story.
Bystander: Don’t trust me? I suppose not, I haven’t even told you my name yet. I’m-
Daryl: Introductions later, when we have time.
Bystander: Suit yourself, mate. Oh ‘n’ also, what happened to the dude that got blazed?
Daryl: The one set on fire you mean? Instant incineration.
Bystander: How was that possible?
Daryl: Extremely volatile chemicals, the sorts that could only be obtained by someone who worked at some facility that has access to it. That mystery “friend” of ours must be in quite a position right about now.
Bystander: One more question…
Daryl: Shoot.
Bystander: What does “instant incineration” mean?
Daryl: …



Rico: I think these disguises will work brilliantly.
Officer: Yeah, I agree… Except for Samson’s though.



Sammy: ‘N’ just WHAT is THAT supposed to mean!?
Officer: Need I spell it out? You hardly blend in. And that fake moustache is so obvious. I mean c’mon! A fake moustache!? You watch too much TV Sammy, that sort of thing never works.
Rico: Yeah, because the fake moustache is the most obvious giveaway in his disguise.
Missy: Remind me why we’re disguised in the first place.
Rico: See, it’s like this…
Sammy: I’ll handle this’un if you don’t mind Rico!… Basically, Finley has a lot of stooges around this part of town. SO, we gotta’ blend in so not to draw any attention to ourselves.
Missy: Oh brother, this can only go well…
Sammy: Indeed! ‘Cause I am a GENIUS! G-E-N-I-O-U-S.
Rico: Sammy… Genius doesn’t have an O in it.
Sammy: Yes it does!… Doesn’t it?
Officer: (Sigh)
Sammy: NOT FAIR! Nothing’s the way I like it!
Rico: Quieten down Sammy, stay undercover, remember?
Sammy: Sorry, I’m sorry.



Officer: Uh-oh. Guys? You seein’ this?
Rico: Oooh no.
Missy: (Shout-whispers) Sam! What the hell made you think it was a good idea to put THAT out there? We hid the other one down the alley.



Sammy: HEY! First of all, he has a name! Alright!? It’s Sigfrid the First! And SECOND of all, he’s not doin’ any harm just sittin’ there! He’s mindin’ his own business, admiring the beautiful scenery…



Sammy: … Keeping watch for the bad guys.
Rico: I forget the last time a covert operation went well for us.
Officer: I miss having the Captain as a partner.



Sammy: Alright you boys! You aren’t takin’ me in. I’m takin’ YOU DOWN!
Henchmen: …



Sammy: Take THIS scumbags!



Sammy: Whoops, slight mistake.
Henchman #1: I knew he’d do that. That’s why we haven’t raised our guns yet.
Sammy: Hey, give me a little time to practice, ‘n’ I’ll be willing to try that one again.



Sammy: This is YOUR fault!
Missy: MY fault!? How!?
Sammy: Your disguise gives you away! Can you not wear pants or somethin’? It’s the same with you every single time!
Missy: Oh, and your costume DOESN’T give you away?
Sammy: How many clowns do you expect to see in a place like this? Huh? You don’t expect to see a clown yet when you see one you won’t think nothin’ of it, see?
Rico: For once, the man has a point.
Sammy: Exactly!
Henchman #1: … Yeah, we’re still takin’ you in to see Finley.
Sammy: Oh crap.
Henchman #2: And what gave you away? The Sigfrids, the yelling, the terrible fake moustache, the clown costume…
Missy: I told you!
Henchman #2: Melissa still showing her legs off a tiny bit gave her away too.
Rico: You recognise her legs that well?
Henchman #2: I’m a big fan of the pornos she’s starred in.
Missy: Oh for the love of-!



Ant: I could watch this show forever.
Chrissie: Mmm me too.
Ant: I could cuddle an’ kiss you forever.
Chrissie: Mmm I’d like that.



Max: Ant! What the hell’s goin’ on!?
Ant: … I could have my romantic moments with you ruined forever.
Chrissie: Mmm I wouldn’t like that.
Ant: Please Max, come in. Oh wait, I see that you already have. Nevermind.
Max: What you doin’ undressed at this hour?
Ant: Am I naked again?
Max: Funny. Also, what’s with you not answerin’ your phone, huh? ‘Cause I never answered yours ya’ think you gotta’ ignore mine out of spite?
Ant: Chill out Max. What’s the problem?
Max: Have you seen the time?
Ant: Yes, neither of us are up on the dust until later though so it’s all good. It’s not even eleven yet.
Max: No, it’s almost one!
Chrissie: No Max, it’s nearly eleven. Did you remember to put your clocks back last night?
Max: What? Why?
Ant: Oh, you didn’t know that the clocks went back? The fans that stop all the chemical pollution in the air from putting the town in darkness have sped up lately, so we got a few extra hours out of the day. Think of it as a change of season.
Max: Pollution? How bad is it?
Ant: Too high up in the sky to even be the slightest threat, don’t worry. But if the fans at work didn’t keep it circulating, it would be a constant night time around here. Still no damage to us though, just not sunny at all.
Max: Creepy.
Ant: Yup.



Chrissie: I actually better get going.
Ant: How come? Where are you going?
Chrissie: Erm… Eliza asked me to go to the track early, said she wanted to talk to me about something.
Ant: What about?
Chrissie: Erm… I’m not sure? Anyway, I’ll see you both out there later. Love you.
Max: Love you too.
Ant: Not you Max.
Max: Awwwrrr.
Ant: Love you too Crumble.



Ant: That chick’s actin’ a little weird lately.
Max: How so?
Ant: Not sure. She leaves for the dust quite early, but doesn’t have a concrete explanation as to why she’s goin’ on her own in the first place.
Max: What’s your theory?
Ant: Don’t have one yet. I’m not worried though-I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason for it.
Max: Think it’s somethin’ to do with Meg? Or Kim? Or any other honeys you have on the go right now?
Ant: Don’t start with this again.
Max: NOW I know why you wouldn’t introduce me to Kim, ‘cause she’s yours.
Ant: I’ll go get dressed.



Max: Neat escape.
Ant: Thank you.
Max: By the way, “Crumble”? That’s a new name for Chrissie. Where’d that come from?
Ant: It’s the other half of the name “Cookie”. “Cookie Crumble”, get it?
Max: Urgh, so cheesy.
Ant: I know. I love it.



Wes: Eliza! Hi.
Eliza: Oh, hi Wesley.
Wes: Haven’t seen you in some time. How’ve you been?
Eliza: I’ve been better. Haven’t slept very well lately.



Alan: Might I suggest sharing a bed with someone? I read that cuddling for warmth makes you more comfortable and more likely to doze off. Wes! What a great idea! Why don’t YOU volunteer to be said person?
Wes: … All of a sudden, it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long since we last spoke.
Eliza: Heh, I’m fine, really. Thanks for the offer though… I think.



Wes: Thanks Al.
Alan: Any time my man.
Wes: You ever speak to Ant about your importance in this show?
Alan: … Damn it!
Wes: That’s what I thought.



Wes: Eliza! Wait up!
Eliza: Everything ok Wesley?
Wes: Yeah, everything’s fine with me, thanks. I just wanted to make sure you were alright-you seem a little distressed.
Eliza: Do I really? I’m sorry, just a lot’s going on at the moment.
Wes: Want to talk about it?
Eliza: No, I’ll be ok. Thank you though.
Wes: You’re welcome. Just remember, I’ll be around if you ever want to talk or if I can be of any help at all.
Eliza: Thanks Wesley, that’s really sweet.
Wes: Please, call me Wes. We’re past the formality now, I think.
Eliza: Hehe, sure. Well, I’ll speak to you later Wes.



Wes: Take care of yourself Eliza.



Miles: Elza.
Eliza: Oh not you.
Miles: What’s the matter?
Eliza: You.
Miles: What did I do?
Eliza: I tell you everything about me, I trust you, and yet you give me nothing in return?
Miles: Is this about Kai?
Eliza: No, no! This is much bigger. You ask me about my life, and I tell you EVERYTHING. I ask you the same sort of questions and you don’t even bother to answer any of them truthfully.
Miles: I would if I could but I can’t.
Eliza: Rubbish! Forget I said anything to you. I can’t trust someone I know nothing about.
Miles: I forgot to tell you the other night, I found out who Kai is.
Eliza: I’m not interested with what you have to say.
Miles: You are, I’m sure. I tried a background check on the guy but got nothin’ on him. Nothin’ in the UMC anyway. Got a name from Ralph though, figured the name might ring a bell to you?



Miles: And so the Elza that walks away from everyone whilst they’re talkin’ to her still lives on in The Wasteland. Is she really that bummed about me not sayin’ anythin’ about myself to her?



Tim: I’m not going to believe that you understood my instructions first time around, let alone the twentieth time around. So, before I go back to The Rivet for business, I’ll explain how this thing works one last time, ok?
Mikey: Sure!
Tim: Now, only operate it when you really need to.
Mikey: Understood!
Tim: I’m not finished yet! Also, before you press it, the car MUST be at LEAST in third gear, AND at four thousand RPM at an ABSOLUTE MINIMUM. Understand?
Mikey: Yes!
Tim: Good. I’m stressing the instructions because it’ll backfire on you terribly if you don’t meet them requirements before you press the button.
Mikey: What’ll happen if I do?
Tim: I don’t know. The researchers who invented it didn’t test it for that cause. But DON’T even try it! I know how curious you get about things.



Tim: Now excuse me whilst I go out of town for a while.
Mikey: You’ll be back for my race?
Tim: (Sigh) Yes.
Mikey: Promise? ‘Cause last time I won, you never saw it.
Tim: GOODBYE, Michael.



Ant: What the hell is this? What, you back on Team Timmy now?
Mikey: I’m really sorry guys.
Max: It’s ok Mikey.
Ant: No, no, no! Hang on a minute! You have one team, ok? ONE. No more! You are aware of the concept of a “double-crosser” aren’t you Mikey?



Max: Lay off him, Ant. C’mon.
Billie: Max!
Max: Billie! Hey there, how you doin’?
Billie: I’m great now. Come on, let’s go chat somewhere where there isn’t any quarrelling.
Max: Alrighty then, see ya’ guys.



Ant: Oh sure! Fine! Bugger off then Maxwell, jeez! You’re all back-stabbers today!
Mikey: I didn’t have a choice Ant, PLEASE understand that!
Ant: Hold on… What do you mean by that?
Mikey: I can’t explain, honest! I’m not allowed to say.
Ant: Timothy’s up to somethin’ ain’t he?
Mikey: Kind of.
Ant: I shoulda’ guessed. Alright then Mikey, I’ll forgive ya’. Only ‘cause you’re a pal of us all an’ one of the crew now.



Mikey: YES! Oh, you’re the bestest buddy EVER!
Ant: Yeah, sure… Could you maybe let go of me though?
Mikey: Oh! Sorry!



Max: So, uhm…
Billie: I had a great weekend last week Max.
Max: Yeah, me too. Should do it again sometime.
Billie: Love to. Can’t do anything this weekend though-Tim’s taking me out for the weekend up to Acre Pines.
Max: Never heard of it.
Billie: I don’t expect you to know of any of the places any of us frequent, yet. But yeah, it’s a small woodland community up in the mountains far up north from here. We haven’t been there in ages, let alone anywhere. I guess he’s been thinking about the past lately too and wants to make up for it.
Max: Sure. Maybe…
Billie: Something the matter?
Max: No, it’s fine.



Meg: Coop.
Max: … Wheat?
Meg: No.
Billie: Hey Meg.
Meg: Hi Bill.
Billie: (Quietly) Rrrr, it’s been so long since I’ve been called that, I hoped it was forgotten.
Meg: No chance. Coop, seen Ant?
Max: He’s erm…
Ant: What!? Hahahaha!
Mikey: Stop laughing!
Max: Over there.



Ant: You burnt down his kitchen an’ painted his livin’ room pink… What next? Gonna’ re-lay his flooring but miss a space out so he falls in the hole?
Mikey: Of course not! I’m not THAT stupid.
Ant: (Smirks) Sure you aren’t.



Meg: Ant.
Ant: M-Meg? Hey…
Meg: You doin’ alright?
Ant: Yeah, I’m good. Great, even. Er Mikey, why don’t you run along now an’… play?
Mikey: Play? That sounds SO fun! I’ll do that!



Ant: Yes, please, thanks a Maximillion.
Meg: I see what you did there.
Ant: Thanks…
Meg: … Ant, about the weekend, I-
Ant: It’s fine, I get it.
Meg: Really?
Ant: No. I get that you’re mad at me, but I don’t get why.
Meg: I’m not mad at you. I was just upset.
Ant: Upset why?
Meg: It doesn’t matter.
Ant: SURE it matters! Please talk to me sweetheart, tell me what that was all about.
Meg: … You really wanna’ know?
Ant: Yes, everythin’.
Meg: You might regret it?
Ant: I won’t. Tell me.
Meg: (Sigh) Ok, well, the truth is that-
Kim: NO Mikey! I don’t wanna’ BLOODY play! What are ya’, a freakin’ child!?
Mikey: Aww you’re no fun!



Tammy: C’mon Mikey, I’ll play with you.
Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay!
Ali: As Ant says: “Was that a euphemism”?
Tammy and Mikey: …
Stace: Just run along, the two of ya’.



Tammy: Catch me if you can!
Mikey: I’m coming to get you!
Hay-Hay: I worry about Tammy sometimes, Kimmy. When she’s with him they’re like two big kids.
Ali: ‘Cause that’s what he is-a kid. Tammy is too impressionable. But who gives a crap? The guy’s just an annoyin’ immature little twerp.
Kim: Gets on my bleedin’ nerves ‘n’ all. First day I met ‘im, I so wanted to kick his teeth in to shut him up.
Stace: He was only thirteen though, right?
Kim: So? I was fourteen. Don’t mean shit if I bust his nose.
Stace: Whatever then.



Max: Oh no.
Billie: Oooh great.
Miles: Ah brilliant.
Alan and Keith: Aw yeah!
Wes and Robert: (Sigh) Here we go again.
Meg: Shit.
Ant: Hell yeah!



Max: The Desert Cats.
Billie: The Cats.
Miles: Desert Cats.
Alan and Keith: The Babes!
Wes and Robert: The Handfuls.
Meg: Urgh.
Ant: Kimmy! Hay-Hay! Ali! Stace to the Y! How y’all doin’!?
Max: Oh Ant.
Billie: If he wasn’t a guy, he’d be a Desert Cat. He’s practically worshipped by them. They’re like a giant group of Megs.
Keith: What a lucky son of a gun.
Alan: Tell me ‘bout it.
Robert: Aw dear I’m sorry chaps.



Meg: Hate to ruin your little couple moment Maxey but you’re up next.
Max: Because your own little couple moment’s been ruined by The Cats?
Meg: Shut up an’ get in the bloody car.



Meg: Ali! You’re up too!
Ali: (Sigh) Fine.
Max: (Smirks)
Ali: An’ what’s THAT face for you cocky little prick?
Max: I still don’t believe you Desert Cats are much to fear.
Kim: You’ll regret that Cooper. ‘Cause we ain’t jus’ any felines, we’re The Desert Cats! We ain’t jus’ gonna’ sit ‘round an’ purr… We’re gonna’ fuckin’ ROAR!
Ali, Hay-Hay and Stace: YEAH!
Max: Ah jeez, why’m I stuck with this lot huh?
Meg: Don’t get cocky Max. I know you pick it up from Ant, but focus on takin’ ‘em down. They’re a competitive bunch, don’t forget that.



Miles: Wesley.
Wes: Huh? Oh, Miles, hey.
Miles: I wanna’ talk to you ‘bout Elza.
Wes: Eliza? … W-w-why would you want to do that?
Miles: Oh shut up with the nervousness, I’m not askin’ about THAT.
Wes: Oh, phew.
Miles: Can you pass a message on to her for me? She won’t speak to me but I need to tell her somethin’.
Wes: Yeah, ok sure. What do you want me to tell her?
Miles: You tell her, that I got hold of Kai’s application forms and found out at least the name he went by when he entered the Kings Of The Desert, and that he goes by the name of-



Wes: Gee, Ralph, what happened to you? You look really pissed off.
Ralph: Because I am! I was out of town with colleagues and the moment I left them alone, they screw up!
Miles: What colleagues?
Ralph: It doesn’t matter! They were just unreliable tossers!



Wes: … Sounds like he was talking about the TV crew.
Miles: Watch your lip when they’re around. Do you not like your job?
Wes: Could be better, I guess, like I had a more major role in the show. Anyway, where were we?
Miles: Oh yes, so his name is-



Meg: Ah… It’s been too long since I’ve been here. The atmosphere, the feeling, the sounds… Better fill my lungs with the sweet air an’ harmonise as I call out-
Ali: Hey! You gonna’ take all bloody day bein’ a soppy little bitch!? Get yasel’ sorted out an’ start us off already!
Meg: Urgh, fine! Way to ruin the moment. It’s just it’s been so long since I’ve had to say… Kings! Are you ready?



Ali: Hey Cooper!
Meg: Three…
Max: What?
Ali: You allergic to cats?
Meg: Two…
Max: No, why?
Ali: No reason…
Meg: One…
Ali: ‘Cause The Desert Cats are gonna’ claw you all over!
Meg: GO!




Max: Damn, that girl had a good start.
Ali: Gave the car some new rubber paws the other day, pays off.



Max: I suppose the car pulls its own weight.
Ali: This is a drive in the desert, this. I’m practically playin’ with a ball of yarn over here!



Max: I’m gainin’, I’m gainin’.
Driver #3: Score!
Max: Aw hell.
Ali: All talk an’ no drive there Maxwell? The puppy never gets the kitten. Meow.
Max: This is where I come in to play.
Driver #3: I won’t back down! If winning this means I’ll get a named role in the show then I’ll do it!



Max: No spotlight for you buddy.
Driver #3: Damn it!



Ali: Oh? Wanna’ join in here Maxey-Waxey? Tough luck, I hate sorry sights like you!



Max: Last lap to redeem this final place.
Ali: You don’t mess with The Desert Cats-we’ll hock a fur ball down your throat to stop ya’ if we have to.
Meg: First an’ only time I’ll root for ya’ Max. Take that emo bitch down.



Hay-Hay: Hey! Sunglasses At Night, what’s goin’ on?
Miles: (Quietly) Oh terrific.
Kim: Found out anythin’ we wanna’ know?
Miles: ‘N’ what would that be?
Kim: Anythin’ regardin’ a certain Kai?
Miles: Heh, I might know a thing or two. Question is though, what makes you think I’d tell YOU?
Kim: (Snaps her finger) Stace.



Stace: ‘Cause if you don’t, we’re gonna’ scratch your eyes out!
Hay-Hay: Rawr.
Kim: So, what do you have for us?
Miles: Back off me baby, there’s a time ‘n’ a place. ‘N’ I’m sorry ladies, I have nothin’ that’ll satisfy you right now.



Kim: Heh, guy’s got a point.
Hay-Hay and Stace: (Giggle)
Miles: … I set myself up for that one, didn’t I?



Wes: Eliza? I’ve been told to give you a message.
Eliza: Can it either wait or be made brief please? I’m up next and I need to get out there.
Wes: Yeah sure, it’s just Miles told me to tell you about-
Eliza: Argh, save it. I told him I didn’t want to hear what he has to say anymore, regardless of who the messenger is. Just leave it at that, ok?
Wes: Ok. I’m sorry Eliza, I didn’t mean to-
Eliza: No, it’s ok, don’t worry about it. Miles is the one I’m not happy with. Relax.



Wes: Phew, that’s alright then.
Alan: At this rate, you’ll be with her in about ten years time… At the earliest.
Wes: Leave me to my own devices Al, I got this.
Alan: Would I let my BEST FRIEND handle his dream alone? Fat chance! Don’t you worry, I’m workin’ ‘round the clock thinkin’ o’plans to get you two into each other.
Wes: I’m already worried.



Max: I’ve got her, I’ve got her!
Ali: Damn, I slowed down too much… Oi! Get the hell off o’my car ya’ little twat!



Max: Oh-and-yes! Take that honey. MEOW!
Ali: Rrrr… RAGE.



Hay-Hay: Oh no.
Kim: Hmph, no worries. She’s still through to the showdowns next week. She’ll be fine. The rubber paws needed a little wearin’ in, that’s all.
Ant: I’m at a moral dilemma here, aren’t I? My girls against my wingman, an’ I’m not normally the impartial sort.
Hay-Hay: Can’t complain, I guess.
Stace: Understandable.
Kim: Don’t sweat it Ant. We know you can’t say anythin’ but we know you prefer us at heart, am I right?
Ant: Heh… Heh… Sure.
Hay-Hay: Kimmy, Chrissie is around somewhere you know.



Kim: Oops! Er, yeah, so, sure, good round. Don’t expect to be so lucky next time.
Max: Ha, excuses, excuses.
Ali: Shut your trap ‘less ya’ want me to scratch out your voice box. The claws have been sharpened.
Max: Don’t get your kitty litter in a knot. C’mon Ant, let’s go.
Ant: Erm, ok. Catch you gals later then… (Winks at The Cats)



Everyone: …



(Tammy and Mikey giggling)
Tammy: What I miss, guys?



Ant: Oh, an’ here’s the little peach herself. Princess Hart, where have thou been this fine day?
Chrissie: I must apologise Sir Willis, I went to go see the maid in the parlour.
Max: What the hell are guys goin’ on about?
Ant: Seriously, where you been?
Chrissie: Busy.
Max: …
Ant: That the best you got for me?
Chrissie: I’ve been around. You just didn’t look hard enough for me.
Ant: Oh, that hit the spot.
Chrissie: But I’m free now, fancy going out somewhere sweetie?
Max: Sure!
Ant: Not you.
Max: Awwwrrr.
Ant: But I can’t honey, I have my race soon. Maybe this weekend though?
Chrissie: Sure. No problem.
Ant: Wow, you’re never this forgivin’… What you been smokin’?
Chrissie: Funny! No, seriously, I understand, really. (Smiles warmly)
Ant: Hmm, alright then.
Chrissie: However, I must love you and leave you because I have to go back home for a tick.
Ant: Awww man. I feel like we haven’t spent much time together lately.
Chrissie: We’ve had the entire week together.
Ant: Exactly. Not enough.
Chrissie: Awww, I know how you feel.
Max: Ahem.
Ant: Ok, sorry Max. We’ll let you go then Muffin.
Max: Chrissie, I got a question for you.
Chrissie: What is it?



Max: Your car looks really great. Looks kinda’ different actually. Is it new or somethin’?
Chrissie: What? No, I just took it to a car wash yesterday, that’s all.
Max: Ah, that must be it. Must be one hell of a car wash then. The car looks so much better! I could swear it isn’t the same car as it used to be.
Chrissie: No, it’s the same car, believe me. Anyway, see you back home afterwards.



Chrissie: I love you Ant.
Ant: I love you too Muffin.
Max: I’m gonna’ turn the other way whilst you two are doin’ that.
Chrissie: Sorry Max. I suppose I’ll go now and save this awkward situation for you.



Ant: She’s still suspicious.
Max: What NOW?
Ant: Still dismissive, still makin’ excuses, still lackin’ credibility. An’ also she never told me what Eliza apparently wanted from her so early this mornin’.
Max: (Sigh)
Ant: If you’ll excuse me, I’m goin’ to return to see the next race.
Max: Wait, one more thing…
Ant: What?
Max: I didn’t know Chrissie smokes.
Ant: She doesn’t, I was jokin’.
Max: Oh right.
Ant: Is my comedy ALWAYS lost on you?



Ralph: Maxwell.
Max: Ralph?
Ralph: I had to come and inform you that you made it into the showdowns next week.
Max: The what?
Ralph: Antony here never tell ya’?
Max: He might, but I never understood his tutorial a while ago so made no difference to me.
Ant: Oh thanks a lot.
Ralph: Basically, you racked up enough points to go into one of the ten heats of next week’s showdown. Win, and you’re in the next rank.
Max: Oh yeah I remember now! But wait a minute, I haven’t raced that much yet.
Ralph: You have off-screen. It’s only during the actual episodes where it’s FELT like you haven’t. But even when they’ve shown the others racin’, you still got a few more points. (Quietly) Just play along with this.
Max: Ok… Wow! I KNEW I qualified! I’ve done SO MUCH racin’ I’d be majorly surprised if I didn’t get in!
Ralph: Yeah don’t push it.
Max: Sorry.



Billie: Mikey! Hold on.
Mikey: What is it Billie?
Billie: Tim asked me to make sure you remembered how to operate the “thing”?
Mikey: You mean he isn’t here yet?
Billie: He says he’ll be ten minutes at the most. At least if you win, he’ll witness that. So do you remember how it works?
Mikey: Yep! Gotta’ be at least three thousand RPM and second gear!… I think.
Billie: Well, Tim never told me what the actual one is so… Got to have to risk it and assume that you’re right I guess. Good luck.
Mikey: Thanks Billie!



Meg: Kings! Are you ready?
Billie: Tim! You got here in time.
Tim: I said I would. Did you speak to Michael?
Meg: Three…
Billie: I did.
Tim: Did he remember?
Meg: Two…
Billie: He said it was second gear and three thousand RPM?
Meg: One…
Tim: NO! It’s THIRD gear and FOUR thousand RPM!
Meg: GO!
Tim: Shit.



Ant: Walker.
Tim: Willis.
Max: Walker.
Tim: Cooper.
Billie: Max.
Max: Billie.
Tim: Billie!
Billie: Tim?
Ant: Stop it! We had enough of this crap in episode eleven.
Tim: What can I do for you then Antony?
Ant: I wanna’ know what your game is with Mikey.
Tim: Michael? Oh, I got bored having nothing to do, except for getting drunk with Leonard, but that gets old quick.
Max: Hangovers have that effect on ya’.
Tim: So I wanted to have an apprentice again, even if Michael was the only option I had.
Ant: So what? You want him back? Fine, take ‘im.



Mikey: Into second… Gear, that is. Two thousand… Three thousand. Do I need to use it yet? I’d say so. (Presses button)
(Loud pop)
Everyone: Huh?
Tim: Oh no.
Max: What was that?



Mikey: Somethin’ isn’t right.
Eliza: I’m getting as far ahead of you as I can Mikey. I don’t feel safe all of a sudden.



Eliza: I’m in the lead I’m in the lead get far away get far away.
(Another loud pop and then a bang)
Tim: SHIT!
Ant: What the hell!?
Max: Oh no MIKEY!
Mikey: That’s not good is it?
Driver #4: FUCK back off! What the HELL’S goin’ on!?
Eliza: Definitely get far away yes far away indeed.



Ralph: Alright everyone, get back! (Sigh) I knew this day would come the first time I ever said I’d take charge of this whole thing. Thought it’d be Dixon who would cause this but oh no it’s Dixon’s present day equivalent who did it first.



Ralph: Mikey! Get out the car while you can!
Mikey: Waaaaah! I don’t wanna’ diiiiiiiiie!
Meg: Well, this is certainly somethin’ new.



Ali: What an action man. What a hero.
Stace: Who? Ralph?
Ali: No! I meant Mickey.
Tammy: It’s Mikey.
Ali: Whatever.
Hay-Hay: Still don’t understand why you like him Tammy.
Tammy: He’s sweet. Stupidly moronic but… Sweet.
Kim: Welcome to The Wasteland Hay-Hay, where not one single person in this damn town ain’t got issues.



Ralph: (Breathing heavily) Didn’t expect THAT today, but we’re safe now. Phew, never done so much exercise in a long time.
Ant: (Under his breath) An’ don’t we know it?
Mikey: WOW! That was heart-pumping huh!?
Max: Says the guy who burnt my kitchen down.
Ralph: I don’t think we should risk startin’ that race up again. Mikey, you’re lucky the car hasn’t been burnt beyond use-your Rosalie was bad enough.
Max: (Shuffles awkwardly)
Ralph: Anyway, get the next lot out there.
Meg: Mighta’ been short, but that was DEFINTELY the most interestin’ race I’VE ever seen.
Tammy: Awww Mikey you poor thing! Are you hurt?
Mikey: Nah, don’t sweat it. I’m fine ‘n’ dandy!
Tim: That’s stretching the truth a little.
Tammy: Oh I’m SO glad! If anything happened to my fwiend I don’t KNOW what I’d do!
Ali: “Fwiend”? What was that we was sayin’ earlier ‘bout them bein’ kids?
Ant: Suppose I should go get ready then. Though I worked out I’m already in the showdowns, if I’m not wrong?
Ralph: You are not wrong, no. It’s amusin’ to watch you work so hard though to get back to the top after I threw you back down here.
Tim: (Smirks)
Ant: Fuck you Ralphie. That is all.
Tim: Antony, know what I decided? I don’t want Michael back after all, you keep him. You, Cooper, Christie, Megan and Michael make a pretty entertaining crew.
Ant: It’s CHRISSIE!
Tim: Whatever.



Ralph: Anyway, back on topic with the races, that means then that Eliza won that one.
Eliza: Wooh!
Ralph: Mikey still got third technically, which isn’t bad.
Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay!
Ralph: Erm… Both of you therefore have gotten into the showdowns.
Tim: What!? Michael made it too!?
Ralph: Amazingly, yeah.
Miles: How about me?
Ralph: To qualify, you need to get third in today’s race, which is the one after the next.
Miles: I’m already there then.
Ralph: Whatever.



Alan: What about us guys then?
(Awkward silence)
Keith: C’mon! Surely we’ve done well behind-the-scenes too right?
Ralph: Woody, you never finished a single race this season.
Keith: It wasn’t my fault! People kept crashin’ into me! ‘N’ I didn’t ALWAYS finish last!
Ralph: Yeah, I’m kiddin’. You did make the cut Keith, barely. Rob and Al, you guys made it as well. And also so did Chr-… Oh, actually they aren’t here right now. Oh well, I’ll tell them later.
Robert: Sorry, who was that? “Chr-”?
Ralph: Nah, nevermind. They aren’t here.
Miles: Yeah but we don’t know who you’re talkin’ about, who is it?
Ralph: Let it go, ok!? They’re through, that’s all you need to know!
Wes: What about me?
(Awkward silence)
Wes: Ah c’mon! Everyone made it except me!? Even Kai made it and we never even seen him race on-screen yet!
Robert: C’mon, Ralph, it’s a little harsh.
Ralph: Hey! Tammy didn’t make it either, ok!?



Tammy: Why not!?
Ali: I told you you shoulda’ stepped up a lil’ authority out there. Use the infamous Desert Cat growl. You just purred like a kitten instead.
Wes: Well this sucks!
Tammy: Too right it does!
Alan: Cut the guys some slack, dude.
Ralph: DUDE!?
Everyone: Come on!
Ralph: Alright! Screw it! I’m outta’ here! I’m not puttin’ up with your pleas.



Everyone: …
Wes: I give up!
Ant: RIGHT! Fine, here! Wes, you want in? You’re in, just make it worthwhile. You happy now!?
Wes: YES! WOOH!
Ant: ‘Bout bloody time.
Tammy: What about ME!?
Ant: Oh for-!… (Sigh) Ok, ok, Tammy. You can as well.
Tammy and Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay!
Alan: A sucker for the ladies, Ant.
Ant: Shut up Al!
Everyone: Yes Al! SHUT UP!



Max: Huh?



Max: Who left this here? What are they tryin’ to say with this message?



Miles: What’s up?
Max: Read this.
Miles: … Hmmm. Peculiar. What you gonna’ do?
Max: You know anythin’ about plannin’ a successful burglary?
Miles: Haha, that I do indeed, yeah. So, where d’ya’ wanna’ start?



Eliza: Oh? What’s this?



Eliza: Really? Interesting…



Leo: WHAT!?



Leo: Oh, that slimy little ‘roach! I’ve been waitin’ for this.



Max: Hmm, how does this person know that? Is this some kind of trick or somethin’?



Max: Whatever the case, it’s worth lookin’ into. Oh great, now Mikey’s painted the rest of my house in pink… I suppose at least it matches with the other pink, he did somethin’ right I guess.




Max: OW!… MIKEY!