Episode 14 - Thieves Like Us (Part 1)

[MADMarkyD93]

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Kings Of The Desert
Season: 01
Episode: 14
Written by: Mark Davison
Produced by: Moonstone Productions
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AGE RATING: 15+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE, MILD VIOLENCE, SUGGESTIVE THEMES, MEG SAVES THE DAY TWICE, “NINJAS”
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Ant: Hello?… Max, what’s up?
Meg: Whaddya’ want Max?
Alan: S’up fellas?
Max: Time to kick up the sand.
Ant: Game on.
Meg: Fine, I’ll be there.
Alan: Awwwwwww yeeeeeeaaaaaaah!
Mikey: Huh?



Alan: C’mon guys.
Keith: Let’s roll.
Robert: Alrighty.
Wes: Ok.



(Knock at the door)
Eliza: Huh?





Max: … Mikey? Understand now?
Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay!
Max: That didn’t answer my question.
Mikey: Oh, sorry. Yeah sure!



Miles: Time to kick up the sand, huh?
Max: That’s right.
Miles: Alright…



Miles: Let’s rock. And cue the military operation timing!
Max: … That wasn’t so slick.
Miles: I know… Just cue the opening credits instead… PLEASE.





Max: Thank you everyone for helpin’ out.
Voice: AHEM!



Max: … Yes Ricky, thank you also for openin’ The Wildboar this early, we understand that you’re a little tired.
Ricky: A little appreciation goes a long way, y’know.



Max: I’ll admit I’m glad that you all seemed to understand what I meant when I told you all it’s time to kick up the sand. I just wanted to sound cool ‘n’ give a really awesome catchphrase like in the movies. Didn’t think twice to wonder if you even knew what the hell I was goin’ on about.
Everyone: …
Max: … Nice shades Ant. Dark blue tinted glass ’n’ bronze frame? Really tacky kind of thing.



Ant: Oi! I had these custom made!
Max: If it’s any consolation, I like your coat.
Ant: Thanks, I had it tailor-made after the one Keith Sunderland wore in Deadbeats.



Max: Now, shall we get to business?
Miles: Indeed. First ‘n’ foremost, I wanna’ say to y’all right now that if you ain’t interested then walk out this second. If you ain’t helpin’, then it’s best you don’t figure what we’re doin’. ‘Less you know, the better, got it?



Miles: Suit yourself.
Eliza: I’m doing exactly the same as you guys, but I will NOT work with you Miles. I’m careful with who I deal with from now on.




Eliza: Alan! Wesley!
Alan: Oh right! Sorry.
Wes: Sorry Eliza, sorry.
Miles: So you three are a crew?
Eliza: Uh-huh.
Ant: Your sole crew is Al ‘n’ Wes?… Yeah, good luck with that.



Miles: Anybody else out?
Keith: No, no.
Robert: I think we’re all in.
Miles: Brilliant… Mikey? You listenin’ to any of this so far?
Mikey: Huh? What?… Oh, yeah, don’t sweat it.
Miles: You’re never normally this quiet. Anyway, what I want to make very clear here, is no info goes to anyone outside of this group, got it? Don’t tell a soul.
Max: Erm…



Max: Yeah so, me ‘n’ some of the guys are breakin’ into Tim’s house tomorrow night, think you could get him away quicker?
Billie: Erm… I’ll try.
Max: Thanks Billie, you’ve been a big help.



Max: Of course, my lips are sealed.



Leo: I thought I heard voices. Didn’t realise you’s were open this early Rick.
Ricky: We aren’t. Never again, either, I’m fricken’ tired.
Miles: We’re conductin’ business here Lenny, stay out.
Ant: Now hang on, hang on. Leo here ain’t on Team Timmy neither, an’ he has the inside track, bein’ Billie’s brother ‘n’ all. Leo, fancy helpin’ raid Tim’s house?
Leo: Funnily enough, I was plannin’ on doin’ that myself.
Max: Really? How come?



Leo: You fellas don’t mind if I smoke do ya’?
Miles: ‘Course not.
Ricky: AHEM! I do! The bar’s almost made entirely of bloody wood! Mikey’s bad enough of a fire hazard himself! Stop forgettin’ I exist over here!
Leo: Spoilsport. It’s a long story, I got tipped off that he’s plannin’ on whiskin’ away Billie some place in the next few weeks. That little prick ain’t takin’ her outta’ my life. Fat bloody chance.
Robert: Why break in then? Why not just confront him about it?
Leo: I’m too smart for that shit. I’m gonna’ break in there, plant a few things to make it look like he’s been cheatin’ on her, then she’ll never go anywhere with him again after this weekend. I’ll finally be rid of that bastard.



Ant: Whey hey, I like your style there Leo. So, how you reckon we get in?
Leo: You ask that as if I need a plan. Kick in a window ‘n’ jump in from there, what’s the big deal?
Max: Not a very smart move if you ask me.
Leo: There ain’t no feds around here. There’s no law, no crime, no way of gettin’ caught. There’s just his security guard for hire he’s got but he’s easily corrupted. Even Tim has a cheap, lousy good-fer-nuthin’ guard.
Ant: How cheap?
Leo: Give him ten simoleons to go out for a cup of coffee ‘n’ a packet of Tiger Rings or Graceland Cookies an’ ye’ll be sorted.
Miles: As long as he stay clears of the Tic-Tocs.
Leo: Oh yeah, they ain’t made like they used to be-Lizzie gave me a pack last week ‘n’ they sure as hell had somethin’ awful in ‘em.
Miles: Oh…
Leo: What?
Miles: Nothing, nothing…
Max: Sorry I gotta’ tell you Len but, your plan is crap, I’m sorry. I wanna’ keep this low profile, low risk. You understandin’ me?
Leo: Don’t like my plan, I can walk. I’m happy enough to take care of this on my own.
Max: Go right ahead. I’ll just hope we break in on a different night to you.
Leo: Well I’m breakin’ in tonight.
Max: Well we’re doin’ tomorrow night so that’s just fine.
Leo: Fine!



Max: (Quietly) We’re actually breakin’ in tonight too aren’t we?
Miles: Yeah.
Max: Damn.



Ant: So tell us, Master Cooper, what’s your idea?
Mikey: Tim keeps his bathroom window open all the time.
Ant: I didn’t ask you, Mikey!
Max: No, no, he’s right. That’s how we’re gettin’ in. I say we climb the drain pipe ‘n’ in through the window, then spread out ‘n’ search for clues from there. We come up with a search plan when we get inside.
Miles: Exactly.
Meg: Heh, no way.
Max: What’s the problem?
Meg: I ain’t climbin’ no drain pipe.
Max: ‘N’ why not?
Meg: Just so you guys can get a look up my skirt whilst I’m on my way up?
Keith: Wow, what a sweet idea!
(Silence)
Miles: Ant, stop picturin’ it.
Ant: Hey, she said it, alright!? Not my fault.
Meg: He doesn’t need to picture it.
Everyone: WHAT?
Ant: What?
Meg: What?
(Silence)
Miles: Can you not just wear pants for once Meg?
Meg: They’re all in the wash. Skirts are all I have clean right now.
Max: (Sigh) So what do YOU wanna’ do then, Meg?
Meg: (Shrugs)
Ant: You wanna’ dig, don’t ya’?
Meg: Yes. It would be SO awesome.
Mikey: I agree!
Ant: Mikey, you stay out of this-this is OUR plan.
Max: YOUR plan? We’re meant to be a team here, ‘n’ I say that digging is the most ridiculous idea anyone here coulda’ said, even worse than what Mikey could suggest.
(Everyone turns to Mikey)
Mikey: …
Miles: You’re still awfully quiet.
Ant: ‘Cause he’s tired an’ it’s past his bed time.
Mikey: … Huh? You guys say somethin’?
(Everyone sighs)
Robert: Isn’t digging a little extreme? It’s only a house we’re breaking into.
Meg: Where’s the fun in that!?
Max: What a Mikey thing to say.



Meg: Screw you Maxey. Ant, shall we?
Ant: Yes SIR!



Miles: … So now it’s just us five?
Keith: Yup.
(Silence)
Max: Either of YOU guys got any suggestions?
Keith: Erm…
Robert: Well…
Miles: Take that as a “no” then.



Mikey: Oh I know I know!
Miles: And here it comes…



Mikey: … Forget it, I can’t remember.
Keith: Phew.
Mikey: … I’m bored.
Miles: That why you’ve barely spoken or moved all night?
Mikey: Yup.



Ricky: I want in.
Max: Really Ricky?
Ricky: Hell yeah. Bastard still owes me the security deposit for Mikey’s eighteenth.
Miles: Oh, so while we’re doin’ recon, you’re doin’ a plain old burglary?
Ricky: Pretty much, yeah.
Miles: … Alright then.
Max: You got ideas on how to get in?
Ricky: I have to side with your first plan. The drain pipe is your best bet. None of us here are too heavy for it, I’d say. Tim has a pretty sturdy pipe to start with-top quality kind of thing, y’know?
Max: So that’s the plan?
Ricky: That’s the plan.
Max: Ok.
Robert: … Did we really need to call a large meeting for THAT?
Max: Maybe not.



Wes: Wow… Nice ceiling lights.
Eliza: Thank you Wes.
Wes: So, what’s the plan?



Alan: Yeah Lizzie, we have the brains (points to Eliza), we have the brawn (points to self)…
Wes: (Smirks)
Alan: … And we have the charm (points to Wes). We have ourselves an award-winning breaking-and-entering gang right here.
Wes: What’s charm got to do with it?
Alan: (Whispers) This is plan H in gettin’ you an’ Lizzie sorted.
Wes: Plan H? I thought we were only up to C?
Alan: Yeah well, a lot of plans have gone to hell whilst we’ve been away.
Eliza: We go in through the back door.
(Silence)
Eliza: What?
Alan: Is that it?
Eliza: What’s the problem?
Alan: It’s somethin’ straight out of a bad TV show.
Eliza: I’ve done my research-the front door’s lock is completely resistant to any form of opening unless you have the key, which we don’t. The BACK door however… Well, it isn’t cheap, but the lock’s nothing fancy. It’s easy enough to bypass.
Alan: An’ how do you suggest we do that?
Eliza: I have a set of lock picks.
Alan: Huh?
Eliza: Hey, I could be a professional fraudster with all the computers I’ve hacked since I was young. Picking a lock is like picking daisies.
Alan: Alright… An’ when we get in?
Eliza: Fan out, as always, if you find anything related to Kai you get a hold of the rest of us.
Wes: Easy enough.
Alan: What do we do until then, then?
Eliza: We wait.
Alan: Alright.



Tim: Ah shit.
Billie: What’s the matter?
Tim: I’ve just had Kim on the phone, said that apparently Jimmy’s been put in hospital and I have to look after the kids.
Billie: When?
Tim: At least for this weekend.
Billie: Oh, so we can’t go out anymore, huh?
Tim: Well… Actually, I was wondering if you could ask Leonard if he’d mind watching over them.
Billie: I doubt he will…



Leo: No problem!
Billie: Really?
Leo: Sure. The girls love me.
Billie: That’s nice to know, but we’re talking about the nieces here.
Leo: Funny Bill, funny… Erm, one condition though.
Billie: Name it.



Tim: Sure he can stay with them here. I understand he doesn’t want them in that rundown old house of his. As long as he goes nowhere near that liquor cabinet. Bad things always happen when he does.
Billie: Understood.



Ant: I’m back sweetheart! Sorry I took a while, there was a strange rush goin’ on at the store so early this mornin’, I had to wait a while. I swear if I have to wait in one more queue today…
Chrissie: I’m just in the shower sweetie, won’t be long!
Ant: Alright Muffin!



Ant: When this paper get here?… Huh?



Ant: Tim? What’s he doin’ with my Chrissie!? I’m gonna’ need Meg.



Chrissie: So sweetie, what you fancy doing today?



Chrissie: … Sweetie?… Anybody home?… Hm.



Ricky: Got what we need?
Miles: Flashlights, duffel bag, brass knuckles and flick-knife.
Ricky: Woah, woah, woah! Weapons!? I ain’t gettin’ mixed in with that shit!
Robert: Me neither.
Keith: Are you CRAZY Hoffman!?
Mikey: Weapons lead to bad things!
Ricky: Very wise, Mikey, very wise.
Max: Guys, you gotta’ understand Miles here, he’s the suspicious sort who shouldn’t be trusted but can be trusted.
Miles: That doesn’t make sense, Max.
Max: I know it doesn’t, but neither do you.
Mikey: I… I don’t think I wanna’ do this anymore.
Miles: What’s your problem Mikey?



Ant: Cindy! You’re back!
Cindy: Ant! It’s been a while!
Ant: It sure has! How was Denland?
Cindy: Oh you know-cold, wet, windy, horrible.
Ant: Oh, so not good, huh?
Cindy: Not good? It was AMAZING! Beats the heat wave we’ve had out here lately.



Ant: True, true.
Max: First time Ant’s spoken to a woman I’ve never seen before without them flirtin’ with each other.
Meg: Cindy’s a really sweet person, Ant took care of her when she first wound up in this town. Him an’ her always been inseparable ever since. Oh but Chrissie ain’t jealous of ‘er. An’ ya’ say it ain’t personal between me an’ that lil’ spoilt princess?
Max: Well, if Cindy has an interest in Ant, at least she’s keepin’ it hidden, unlike yourself. So, what can we do ya’ for? We have business here to be done.
Meg: So do we.



Ant: Mikey, you’re comin’ with us.
Max: What!? Why?
Ant: We have our own reasons to be breakin’ in tonight now, an’ we ain’t negotiatin’ with ya’. We’re takin’ Mikey.
Miles: Why does anyone want Mikey so badly?
Ant: I dunno, ok? I was drunk with Leo an’ Tim when I wrote the script so I’m not gonna’ question it, an’ neither should you.
Mikey: I don’t wanna’, I’m not gettin’ involved with this anymore.
Ant: I let you befriend wor Chrissie, you pay us back with this, got it?
Mikey: Uhm…
Ant: Want me to sweeten the deal? Look who we got helpin’ out too.



Tammy: MIKEY!
Mikey: TAMMY!
Max: Desert Cats. I shoulda’ guessed. Where’s the rest of ‘em?
Ant: Stace ain’t the stealthy kind, Hay-Hay’s workin’ on her car an’ Ali’s at group therapy.
Robert: Group therapy?
Ant: Anger management.
Max: Yeah, ‘cause the other day I could see clear improvements in her attitude. What about Kim?
Ant: You crazy? You seen how Tim ‘n’ Kim get along? I let her in on this, she’ll burn his house down.
Miles: So will Mikey, probably.
Ant: All the same, we’re takin’ ‘im. Strength in numbers ‘n’ all that. Let’s get outta’ here guys, we got things to do.
Robert: Still digging?
Ant: Yessir.
Keith: What preparations do you need?
Ant: I happen to know Tim’s house is built on foundations that have been concreted, wired an’ lined in stainless steel. Real bullet-proof design, guaranteed to last for generations without any maintenance needed. Except for one spot…
Meg: The kitchen.
Ant: Right. The kitchen is, for some reason, the only part of the house without these foundations underneath, so we need to dig our way in an’ get in the house via the kitchen. However, we ain’t been in the house before, except for Mikey, but he won’t remember the layout. So, we’re headin’ into Emerald City to the buildin’ society to get floor plans or blueprints of the place to calculate how far we dig.
Miles: One-how are you gettin’ hold of the blueprints?
Ant: We’ve hatched a dastardly plan.
Miles: ‘N’ two-what you gonna’ do to stop the tunnels caving in on you ‘n’ killing you?
Ant: … We’ll work somethin’ out! Tammy! Mikey! Move it!



Ant: See ya’ later Cindy.
Cindy: Catch ya’ later.



Ricky: He’s gonna’ get himself killed.



Wes: … Well this is fun.
Eliza: Hm? … Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was drifting off a little. Keep me on my toes Wes.
Alan: Damn it, I told you we had enough time to sleep, but OH NO you wanted us to be on guard all day ‘n’ now we’re all bloody exhausted so we’re gonna’ screw it up tonight ‘n’ it’ll all be your-
Wes and Eliza: Shut up Al.
Alan: Oh sure fine! Be like that! You both know fine well that this is all just gonna’ go-
Wes: We said SHUT UP!
Alan: (Sulks)
Wes: We got all the gear sorted Eliza?
Eliza: Lock picks are all we need.
Wes: I wonder what the other guys are planning.
(Long silence)
Alan: … Well this is fun.
Wes: I already said that.



Ant: Argh! What did I say about havin’ to wait in another bloody queue!?
Tammy: What are you talking about Ant? I’m having a blast!
Mikey: Me too oh me too!
Meg: A blast? For a buildin’ society that Tim’s dealt with, this place is a dump.
Ant: It’s the only buildin’ society for miles, that’s why. But Meg, please… PLEASE take the kids outside?
Meg: Let’s try…



Meg: Kids? Wanna’ go out an’ get some sweeties?
Tammy and Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay!



Tammy: Race ya’ there Mikey!
Mikey: I’m gonna’ pass ya’!
Meg: We’d make amazin’ parents.
Ant: Wouldn’t we?



Ant: … Now I’m just plain bored… An’ lonesome.



Miles: I uh… don’t suppose this’ll happen to find you takin’ a short all-night break tonight, huh? Startin’ some time around… whenever Tim ‘n’ them leave?
Guard: Oh, that’s mighty nice of ya’ there Miles. Erm, perhaps the agency might call me back to HQ for an unscheduled federal inspection?
Miles: That’d be great. Good luck with that.



Miles: Score.
Max: Ace. I wonder if the other guys are comin’ along as well as us then.
Miles: What are you doin’ with them?
Max: What!? I was hungry!
Miles: (Sigh) Nevermind.



Ant: Argh damn it! HURRY UP! I’ve been waitin’ in this fricken’ line for nearly an hour!
Receptionist: Next please.
Ant: Finally.



Ant: Hi. Yes, erm… My name is Frank Tarren, I’m from the uhm… K.O.T.D. and was wondering if I could get a hold of any building plans or blueprints of the Walker building situated under area code… Well, the area that doesn’t have an area code.
Receptionist: What’s K.O.T.D.?
Ant: The erm… King’s Ordinance of… Terrain Department.
Receptionist: Who are they?
Ant: Don’t you know?
Receptionist: No, that’s why I asked.
Ant: Well, it’s only the largest ordinance department in southern UMC! Yeah, we conduct ordinance surveys of landscaping and terrain sustainability across the whole of Alterra! We’re just doing routine enquiries into a few districts, making sure that the developments are correctly constructed to coincide with the grounds they’re situated on.
Receptionist: …
Ant: …
Receptionist: … What did the K stand for again?
Ant: King’s. Yes, that’s right-King’s. The King of UMC is our benefactor and this enquiry is in fact a personal request from him and he’d be MASSIVELY displeased if we were to fall behind schedule ‘cause some petty woman behind the desk at the building society was stalling us asking about our business WHICH, is private matters by the way so I suggest to you right now to give me the damn papers bitch BEFORE I LOSE MY TEMPER!
Receptionist: Awww, you really think I’m pretty?
Ant: I said PETTY! Under orders from the King of UMC, give me the bloody papers already you dumb whore!
(Silence in the room)
Ant: … Please.
Receptionist: … Fine. Here.
Ant: Thank you kindly, ma’am. Have a nice day. Oh, and yeah you are quite pretty I guess.



Ant: Wow, I handled that so well. I should become an actor.



Receptionist: Wait a minute… The UMC doesn’t even have a King, does it?



Meg: Ant! Erm… bad news.
Ant: What happened? Where’s the kids!?
Meg: They left.
Ant: WHAT? Why!?
Meg: They forgot why they were here whilst playin’ together an’ so they hailed a cab an’ went back home.
Ant: Son of a BITCH!… Fine, we don’t need them. We make a pretty solid pair ourselves. Got the blueprints.
Meg: Great! So Chantelle helped out, huh?
Ant: What?
Meg: I told you-my friend, Chantelle, works in this buildin’ society an’ she could get us what we wanted without any questions asked. That’s how you got the plans, right?
Ant: … Sure! Yeah, that’s EXACTLY what I did! I didn’t forget an’ go cause a scene or anythin’ like that, no way! I’m not STUPID ya’ know.
Meg: Brilliant. C’mon, let’s head back, we got what we needed. We can work out dimensions an’ stuff back at my place.
Ant: Rightio.



Receptionist: Hey, you!
Ant: Oh shit. Don’t look back Ant, just keep walkin’.



Charley, Gabrielle and Ellie: UNCLE TIMOTHY!
Tim: Hello there girls! Wow, Charley, you’re getting a big girl now.
Charley: I’m not fat!
Tim: That wasn’t what I meant. Heh, twelve years old and you’re definitely your mother already.
Charley: Am I grown up enough to be QUEEN Of The Desert yet?
Tim: Haha, no sweetie. Your mother wouldn’t allow it either way, but you’re still a good six years away yet.



Charley, Gabrielle and Ellie: UNCLE LEONARD!
Leo: Hey kids! How are you all?



Billie: I told them in the car what was happening.
Tim: They seem ok with it.
Billie: Yeah, you ready to go?
Tim: Got to make sure they’re expecting us at Acre Pines Lodge first. But should be ready to go in about a half hour.
Billie: That’s good.
Tim: Don’t worry Billie. This is to make up for everything we’ve been through lately. I can assure you, this weekend isn’t going to get ruined.



Robert: It’s pretty dark early today.
Miles: Fans must be workin’ slowly.
Max: That mean the clocks go forward again?
Miles: I guess so. Hold on…



Miles: That’s better.
Robert: Getting kinda’ late now though.
Max: Thought they were supposed to have left by now.
Miles: Yeah.
Max: Well why haven’t they left then?
Miles: I dunno.
Max: They’re still leavin’ aren’t they?
Miles: Yeah.



Max: But why would they delay their weekend away? It’s only gonna’ give ‘em less time to themselves.
Miles: (Sigh) I dunno.
Max: You sure we got the night right?
Miles: Yeah.
Max: Then what’s takin’ them so long?
Keith: Tonight’s gonna’ be a long one.
Miles: Dunno.
Robert: You’re right there, Woody.
Keith: Oh don’t you start with that name.
Max: I’m gettin’ impatient! Why won’t they hurry up!?



Keith: HEY! I’m impatient too, OK!? But havin’ you go on ‘n’ on ‘n’ on ‘N’ ON is NOT gonna’ help ANY of us, GOT IT!? You’re drivin’ us ‘round the FUCKIN’ bend!!!
(Silence)
Max: … They gonna’ be much longer?
Keith: ARGH!!!



Wes: You can hear them guys shouting too, right?
Eliza: They’re hardly quiet about it.
Alan: Maybe later.
Wes: Huh?
Eliza: What did he say?
Alan: No Sophia, you said yourself that you chose Max over me. He’s the one you want to keep lookin’ at. You don’t care if no one looks at me, you just want that scary-ass ghost to take me first, fine by me.
Wes: Wake him up.
Alan: I always knew… Never… Wanted… Bu-
Eliza: (Gently nudges Alan)



Alan: AGH!
Eliza: AGH!!!
Alan: What’s goin’ on!?
Wes: You dozed off Al. Sounded like you were dreaming.
Eliza: You nearly gave me a heart attack.
Wes: Who’s Sophia?
Alan: Huh? Oh, I was dreamin’ about that Azarian chick again?
Wes: Who are you talking about?
Alan: Nah, nah, nevermind. Personal dream, y’know?
Eliza: I don’t think I want to know.



Meg: Why are they all bein’ loud?
Ant: ‘Cause they’re unprofessional arseholes, that’s why. We’re doin’ this job properly. We ain’t gonna’ screw up.
Meg: Chantelle told me she never saw you at the buildin’ society.
Ant: …
Meg: How DID you get them plans?
Ant: Lil’ bit o’this, lil’ bit o’that. You know how these things work.
Keith: SHUT UP ALREADY MAX!
Meg: Argh, I’ve ‘ad it up to ‘ere with this!



Ant: Meg…




Meg: HEY! Will the lot o’ya’ shut UP!? THANK you! Givin’ me a FREAKIN’ headache o’er here!



Robert: Yeah Woody, jeez.
Keith: Screw you!
Max, Miles and Robert: Ssh!
Miles: Hey, heads up.
Max: Alright! Finally, we’re ready to roll.
Miles: I thought it was ready to rock?
Keith: What’s the difference?
Robert: There’s a big difference Woody, c’mon.
Max: Yeah Woody, dontcha’ know the diff between rock ‘n’ roll?
Miles: Thought you were smart, Woody.
Keith: Stop callin’ me Woody!



Tim: Oh you guys, you’re not exactly sneaky are you? Oh well… It’ll still be fun. Can’t see Mikey with any of them, that’s good at least.



Max: ‘N’ they’re off!



Ant: Hi-ho, hi-ho.
Meg: Don’t call me a whore.
Ant: …
Meg: Oh sorry, I see what you meant. Try it again one more time.



Ant: Hi-ho, hi-ho.
Meg: It’s off to dig we go.
Ant: I thought it was off to WORK we go?
Meg: No it’s definitely dig.
Ant: (Sigh) One more time, from the top.



Eliza: Follow my lead.
Max: Where are YOU guys goin’!?
Wes: ‘Round the back!
Miles: Why!?
Alan: ‘Cause we’re smart dudes, bitch!
Keith: Oh no he didn’t!
Alan: Oh yes I did!



Miles: … Yeah, good luck with that.
Ant: I don’t NEED luck Hoffman, I have STRATEGY!
Miles: Whatever.
Meg: You guys go off an’ do your thing an’ we do ours, sound fair?
Max: Yeah c’mon guys, this couple want some quality alone time.
(Keith laughs)
Meg: Go to hell.



Meg: Need any help?
Ant: No, I got this Megs. You just have a sit ‘n’ rest ‘till we’re through.
Meg: Ok.



Ant: …
Meg: What?
Ant: … Wow.
Meg: What?
Ant: Nothin’, nothin’. Just uh… Whilst I’m doin’ this, will you stay sat EXACTLY like you are now?
Meg: Uhm, sure. Why?
Ant: No reason, it’s just a picturesque view. Seriously, don’t move.
Meg: Alright.
Ant: MUCH better than the drain pipe.



Ricky: … TONY!
Ant: FU-… Oh, it’s you Richie. Whaddya’ want?
Ricky: You not gonna’ turn to look at me?
Ant: For your information Richie, we have a lot of hard work to do tonight before WE get inside, but at least we’ll actually make it inside at all. Leave us be.
Ricky: Alright… Gee Meg, close your legs. Tony can see more than he’s payin’ for here.



Meg: What!? Oh…
Ant: You little twat.
Ricky: Enjoy yourselves.



Ant: … I’m really, really sorry Megs.
Meg: Don’t apologise, it’s fine. (Giggles)
Ant: What’s so funny?
Meg: (Giggles) Nothin’. (Smiles suggestively)
Ant: … I better put my back into this diggin’… Hi-ho, hi-ho.
Meg: It’s off to dig we go…